I’m probably going to get in trouble for this one because hell, last time I checked I too am female. But, gosh darnnit! I’m going to do it anyway.
I’ve met so many real, nice, and true God-fearing guys in my lifetime and at one point or another these guys were all dating a real life bag of crazy. I’m talking about this girl falling out the crazy tree and hitting every single branch on her way down to the ground. I’m talking Leighton Meester in The Roommate crazy.
Unfortunately, the poor bastards had no idea what it was that was happening, before it was too late of course. So, with my own crazy obsession with making lists I have compiled a few tell-tale signs that the chick you’re seeing is a wee bit off her rocker.
Now before I continue, don’t feel bad, it happens to everyone. You meet someone and for all tense and purposes this person is seriously awesome. I mean what an absolute babe was Uma Thurman in My Super Ex Girlfriend? Well… in the beginning at least.
It doesn’t happen all at once so don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t see it coming.
Insane-ie-sign Number 1
This girl is an absolute freak in the sheets. She is down for pretty much everything, even that one thing that makes you really nervous but you do it anyway because you don’t want to come across as a whuss. Yea she loves that. Anytime. Anywhere. Any way. You say the word and it is go time. Which is what any red blooded male would love, isn’t it? However, you do find it strange and a little bit scary that she keeps asking you to do it in the cemetery. At night. On her dad’s grave.
Insane-ie-sign Number 2
Her mood fluctuates more then a normal woman. So while people in “other” #normal relationships only deal with these kinds of mood swings once a month you deal with them once, twice sometimes three times a day.
She loves you. She hates you. She wants you. She can’t stand you. You’re her world and then suddenly you’re a disgusting little worm she wants to smoosh under her 6 inch boot.
It’s all very confusing and you don’t know where you two stand most of the time.
Insane-ie-sign Number 3
They are always just… a little… too… big.
Whenever she is upset or angry her eyes kind of, bulge, out of her head like… almost like she’s a hamster being squeezed too hard by a kid with strong chubby little hands.
Insane-ie-sign Number 4
Say your girl is a blonde. You see a girl on the TV with red hair and you innocently comment that you think that looks very attractive. She laughs a little, you laugh a little, and you go about the rest of your date completely normal.
But a week later, you see her again only her hair now too is a bright red. Big red flag. If a girl is willing to make drastic changes like that over a single comment you should definitely be worried, my friend.
Insane-ie-sign Number 5
Any and all other women – including your mother, sister, aunt, cousin, niece and grandmother – are jealous, conniving hell-whores who need to be eliminated from your life. She hates all women and will definitely cut them if she gets the opportunity.
Insane-ie-sign Number 6
She gets really upset when some one talks to you about her. Everyone in the whole world who speaks ill of her are fucking liars and you shouldn’t believe them because they are just jealous of what you have and want to ruin your perfect garden of happiness with their poison seeds of lies and deceit and they all just need to shut their dirty mouths because I am not mad!
Okay, I am not inane! They are insane!
I know you are, but what am I?!
I even heard that they like Hitler! Yea. Yea. Yea. So, you shouldn’t believe dirty Nazi whores above me okay. Okay. Okay!!
Insane-ie-sign Number 7
Any woman who she believes is more attractive than her are satanic, pro-abortion and infected with syphilis. She knows this for a fact because she knows everything about every one and you should just take her word for it. So don’t you even dare look at them Mister!
Insane-ie-sign Number 8
This sign sort of goes hand in hand with sign number 6, this is because everyone is either out to get her or extremely jealous of her or absolutely friggin’ adores her. In her mind she is Kim K and if you or ANYONE says ANYTHING differently then you are just a sick, jealous hater who needs to get a life and stay out of my business or I will CUT YOU!!!
Insane-ie-sign Number 9
This person is either a) obsessed with everything being super clean and super tidy or there will be hell to pay or b) really super messy, so messy she lost her dog a few weeks ago in her laundry and she still hasn’t found it.
Insane-ie-sign Number 10
She loves surprising you.
With your favourite food. Tickets to see your favourite band. A photo album of your future children you’ll be having together. Making a spare key to your apartment want watching you sleep at night. Putting photos of herself everywhere with big eyes that just keep on watching you. Bugging your apartment to make sure you’re okay. Flying across the country to meet your mom without telling you. Buying herself a ring and telling everyone that you are her “husband”.
Insane-ie-sign Number 11
She is the queen of self help books and you can never, ever EVER win an argument with her because she read in this book written by this personal that this kind of behaviour just a cry for help and she will always be there to help you cope with your emotional needs and will never EVER leave you.
Insane-ie-sign Number 12
You know how girls like to pretend to hit you and you pretend that it hurts?
She doesn’t pretend. And it hurts. A lot.
Except she’s being all cute about it so you don’t know if she really means it or if she just doesn’t know her own strength.
Which is really, scarily strong.
Insane-ie-sign Number 13
She calls and texts you non stop. And may God have mercy on your soul if you do not contact her back within the first 5 mili-seconds. She doesn’t understand that sometimes people are busy, or pooping or sleeping. She gets very upset and does not care if you are with friends, or at the movies or even are a funeral you better answer your phone you little bitch.
Insane-ie-sign Number 14
She completely and utterly takes over your social media, it’s basically like a dog pissing all over its territory so that no other dogs will come near it. a lot of super romantic pictures and quotes. It’s called cyber claiming.
Insane-ie-sign Number 15
Whenever you do confront her about her madness one of two things happens
1) she uses sex to distract you, it’s a very common tactic used by women to ensure a man doesn’t use his common sense to see what a basket case she really is or 2) she manipulates you.
Now this one depends on who you are as a person, she can either start sobbing hysterically because she knows you can’t stand to see a woman cry, she can get very loud and angry because she knows your spineless when it comes to women or she can take a risk by threatening to leave you because she knows you have a fear of rejection.
Don’t ever underestimate a woman, especially if she’s crazy. That is the most calculated kind of crazy there is.
So yea, some women are seriously screwy and hopefully this opened up someone’s eye to the fact that they are either dating a slightly mad woman or actually am one. Who knows!
Just in case I never post again, you should know I’m probably dead. Or dying in someone’s freezer. Tell my mom I love her!!
Stay weird people!