You know, one day you wake up with some ridiculously awesome superpowers. Sometimes, there’s an accident that occurs for these powers to be brought out of you and other times people are born with them only to discover them later in life.
Well, as I’ve (against my will) grown into an adult I’ve realized that damn… I must be one of those people born with powers and just didn’t know it because everybody else sure as hell does.
So, of course I’ve made a list of the powers people seem to believe that I have that I had no idea I had in the first place!
Unknown Super Power Number 1:
The ability to see through walls. It seems as though people always just expects me to know where they are at all times even if I am not in the same room with them. They believe this so much so that if I cannot automatically detect where they are they get angry at me. Like “How dare you now know where I am even if I didn’t think to tell you, you’re supposed to know!”
Let me just clarify that my eyesight might be super amazing, but it is not THAT amazing so if you expect me to know where you are then use your words, kay buddy?
Unknown Super Power Number 2:
It seems I have the ability to make people talk. All the time. It’s like I’m the human form of some kind of talking sensitizer and once people lock on me it’s just blah blah blah blah.
Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to people, It’s amazing the types of conversations I sometimes have with people but for the love of all that is good and pure in this world why…. why… why… why… would you randomly feel the need to tell me about your horrible period this month? Or the fact that you haven’t had a solid poop in 5 days.
I don’t need to know this information so PLEASE STOP.
Unknown Super Power Number 3:
Now, I’m not sure if this one counts as a super power more than I believe this was me in a previous life and it is following me to this new life.
Because, heaven forbid, the moment I say anything. ANYTHING. People automatically believe they are in a debate team and I am their fabulous podium and it is time to speech it up. For example:
Me: “This cheese is really good.”
Them: “You know, the thing about cheese is in 1546 the prime chief of the clan of …… (continues for six straight hours)”
Me: (Breathes deeply)
This happens every. single. time.
Unknown Super Power Number 4:
My life is the Fantastic Four and I am the thing. You see apparently people think that I am made out of stone because, hurting my feelings, disappointing me or making me feel bad is not a big deal at all. You see I am the type of person that just takes it, no matter how much it hurts, I take it and I deal with it until I’m alone and then I go cry in the shower until I get over it.
And because I am not the type to say anything about the situation people have automatically decided: “Meh, we don’t have to give a shit about her, she’s cool, she’ll understand. We can just give a halfhearted apology or something and then it’ll be fine. Whatever.”
I can tell you know that that is not true. If you cut me I bleed like everybody else, okay! Okay.
Unknown Super Power Number: 5
Now, I’m not sure if this is just my face or if people actually have this assumption about me but apparently I am Miss Explain Yourself Girl!!
Because explaining something once is never enough, you have to go and explain it to me 63585 23549 232358 66996 2 times like an idiot for you to happily believe that I will understand what you are saying.
So, here are a few examples of super powers I do know I have
Known Super Power Number 1:
So this one I actually do know that I posses and it is The Super Fabulous Incredibly Talented Procrastinator Girl!!
‘Cause let me tell you, I can procrastinate like a boss. I hate being productive, I have so much work that I’d rather just find so many other things to do instead of work. I guess many people who are lazy can relate with me on this one, ey?
Known Super Power Number 2:
Have you ever heard of the saying “No shit, Captain Obvious?”
Yea, I’m kind of the living embodiment of that saying because I have this stupid ability to always, ALWAYS, state out the obvious in any given situation. Especially if I am feeling awkward or need to lie to be polite.
For example. see a woman with a baby:
Person: “So, here is my new born baby! Isn’t she beautiful!!”
Me: “Wow, that there, is a child in your arms. A human child, a female human child, that you grew in your belly. For nine months. Growing and changing. Wow. Biology.”
What can I say, personally kids remind me of big hairless spitting and pooping monsters which should be avoided up until the time they are able to detect and appreciate awesomeness, then we can be friends.
Or perhaps the weather. (Storms outside.) “Wow, it sure is raining.”
They know, Claudia, they know.
Known Super Power Number 3:
Another one of my super power names are Super Anxiety Girl!
Because I get freaked out and anxious over pretty much everything!
Perfection, is what I strive for.
Not perfection, is what I get.
SOOOOO there you have it! Thanks so much for reading the weirdness of the inner workings of my bored mind!
On a side note, I have started my very own YouTube Channel where I go a little bit deeper into the blogs that I write. I am having so much fun doing it and it is such an amazing experience for myself and I really hope that you will take a moment to go watch the couple of videos that I have already put on.
Please be sure to subscribe because I will be making regular videos and just think about it, once you watch the videos you can actually hear me talk and over exaggerate whilst reading my blog in the future!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v+ofTumCvwmkl For Have You Been Friendzoned
http://youtu.be/7Pn9htx6ZbU for Types of Single People
Stay weird people.