Dem feels Doe

So, for the select few people who actually takes the time to read my blog, I first need to add a little disclaimer. This is not going to be some funny blog about random nonsense.

You see, as it turns out, I actually am a human being. Shocking I know, and sometimes – because I have a beating heart – certain things tend to bother me. Because, writing is my safe haven and the only place where I can fully get in touch with what I am feeling I am going to, from time to time, get a little deep.

Now, don’t be scared, I know we all have issues when it comes to them feels but just hear me out.

So last night I watched the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise (season 2). And don’t you roll your eyes at me, we are ALL allotted our guilty pleasures and this is mine, okay?

Anyway, two of the front runner couples were Tanner and Jade, and Kirk and Carly. I knew that Tanner and Jade were meant to be, because come on they’re just perfect! but Kirk and Carly turned out to be a whole other story.

Kirk and Carly became a couple from the first week, they were always together, always laughing and seemed to be falling in love at a steady pace. Kirk did have some reservations about how fast they were going but he quickly came over them when he realized she is an amazing person and that they were just perfect for one another. So problem solved, right?

Right?

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A week before the final rose Kirk suddenly changed his mind. Suddenly, after having conversations about life after paradise, about moving in together and even marriage, he couldn’t see their relationship going anywhere outside of paradise. Which in all fairness is fine, if your feelings change then there’s nothing to be done about it – it happens to the best of us – but then you don’t lead her on. You don’t continue as if nothing is wrong and then just BOOM! I don’t wanna be with you anymore.

That is just in layman’s terms being a horrible human being. You do not play with someone’s emotions like that and then get offended when they criticize your character. You are, by default, than an asshole scumbag douche-sickle which kind of makes me want to shove your balls through a meat grinder.

As he began his break up speech I saw her face and you could see she had no idea. But when she finally understood what it was that he was doing, you could see her whole world shattering.

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Yea yea yea, I do know some people believe that it’s all acting but dagnabbit then it was some good fucking acting, OKAY! So shut it.

Anyway, when I saw her face, I was just hit with like this huge fist of let say a good I don’t know, 7 years worth of my own heart break and tears and disappointments.

And let me tell you, it was not pretty. I cried right along with Carly, I knew that hurt and disappointment as if it was my own and I felt for her. Because we’ve all been there, men and women alike. At some point we’ve all been hurt.

Being lead to believe that… you’re special for this person, that… they want you… it’s the most amazing feeling ever, because when we open ourselves and our hearts to the possibility of love we do it fully and wholly.

There is no in between for us.

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Unless, of course, you’re not looking for love but that’s beside the point.

So, if we do end up trusting you and opening up to you and you end up “changing your mind” without ever warning us, it hurts like a SOB.

We are not crying because we want attention. We are not crying because “we are women” we are crying because we have just been told – after we gave our whole and complete self to someone – that that was not good enough.

I’d like for people to watch that scene in The Bachelor in Paradise S02E12 where Kirk broke up with Carly. Not the best footage but you’ll get the point  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbs9lG3SE54

And then maybe think about the girl or guy you are knowingly leading on.

Is that the kind of person you want to be?

So I realize that this got a little heavy and if you did make it to the finish then I really hope that this post in some way helped you, if it’s by helping you understand that you are hurting someone or help you understand that pain is pain and we all go through it. It will get better.

I have been hurt many, many times in my life, not just by love interests but by family and friends and somehow it managed to turn out okay. The little family I have left is so amazing and I am so thankful for them, the guy that I have been seeing has been so good to me and has even made me feel a little hopeful about love again (which is seriously amazing) and the one true love of my life my doggie Flynn as given me the most amazing sence of love that I will never be able to explain.

So even though we go through pain and disappointment and hurt it can turn out to be a good thing because in the end it brings you to something so much better.

Thanks for letting me vent some of my feels onto your internet selves.

Stay weird people.

What Disney Movies Taught Me

So, because I am a child at heart I love watching Disney movies when I’m sad, or scared or bored, or just generally I watch them all.the.time . Like, I’d marathon that ish until I am good and stupid and feeling a little bit innocent again.

It helps a lot when adulting get’s too much.

Which is all the time, btw.

So that is what I did, and I’ll be honest it’s been a while since I actually took the time to sit/lay/hibernate down and enjoy these movies and let me just tell you, they are not at all what I remembered.

So my brain started thinking about what these movies really taught me and well: list.

What I learned from the Lion King.

The Lion King taught me thdownloadat being a selfish ungrateful brat is okay. As long as you remember where you came from… one day… eventually… and even though you haven’t worked a single day in your whole entire life, it will all end happily as soon as one of your parents (whoever is more financially stable that is) dies in a horrific accident. Then you’ll just inherit a bunch of money and land and servents and boom! Set for life.

The Lion King also taught me that whenever I mess up, like big time, the best and most rational solution to that problem is just to run away and avoid the mess you made. Let someone else deal with that business, you know.

What I learned from Toy Story

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Toy Story taught me to always accept and acknowledge my bad side, i.e. when I’m feeling super jealous of someone I just met, I shouldn’t try to work through it or get to know them in any way, shape or form. I should rather just let that jealousy spew my up in my hate fire which ultimately leadd me to plot this person’s demise.

Toy Story also taught me that if I really truly don’t like this person I should just throw their ass out the window and hope no one saw. If someone did see, I should pretend it was an accident and try to save the day. But deep down inside I hope they get kidnapped by a psychopath who wants to blow their faces off with fireworks.

It also taught me that my toys may be possessed by demons that brings them to life when I’m not around.

What I learned from Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo taught me that if one of my parents is a little over protective, because I don’t know – they witnessed the mass murder of my other parent and several hundred other siblings!!! I should just turn into a little brat and deliberately disobey and put myself into harms way, just to prove a point that I know better then him, download (2)even though I’m basically a toddler and don’t know diddly squat about the world BECAUSE my irritating overbearing, parent protected me from all the bad the world has to offer.

Finding Nemo also taught me that I shouldn’t be  worried if strange monsters-like creatures kidnap and take me hundreds maybe even thousands of miles away from said overbearing parent who – by the way warned me against such dangers – because they won’t actually hurt me, kill me or even sell me into the child sex slave world. No-no, they’ll take me to a super nice place that is not life threatening what.so.ever and they’ll put me with sweet and loving people that will ultimately protect and help me to escape the nice place to go back to said over protective parent.

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What I learned from The Jungle Book

The Jungle Book taught me that it is safe for a child to wander alone in wherever the hell it is that he was – “the jungle” and that as long as you have a cute name and hair-do you can befriend a wild ass fucking bear and you won’t have to be scared of it mauling you to death because it will just love you and have you float on its belly and sing you songs.

Other then that to be truthfully honest I don’t remember much more of that movie because I never really liked it all that much. You’ve got the boy. The bear. The Panther who’s just kinda there when they needed some muscle. The monkey’s and that pervy-ass tiger who got waaaaay too sexual about eating the boy, if ya know what I’m saying.

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What I learned from 101 Dalmatians

 

101 Dalmatians taught me that when it comes to fashion some chicks are REALLY willing to go the distance.

101 Dalmatians also taught me that it is perfectly possible for a newly wed couple to support, feed, groom, care for and provide everything – physical and emotional – to one hundred and one freaking Dalmatians. That right there, is the reason I forced my poor single mother to buy me all the animals ever single frigging time I saw a pet store. No matter how many I already had, because if Anita and Roger can do it then I can too dammit!

What I learned from Fantasia

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Fantasia taught me that the human mind is capable of many, many, MANY things when it is high AF.

What I learned from Lady and The Tramp

Lady and the Tramp taught me that if my parents piss me off I should just run away from home and start dating some homeless person who is way beneath my league and a little scary. That’ll give them the finger!

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Lady and the Tramp also taught me that poor people who live on the street are actually super hot, super smart and live extremely exciting and not poverty filled lives at all.

It also taught me that it is perfectly safe for a rich naive girl with no street smarts to trust a street hustler and let him lead her down a dark ally and into junkyards.

What I learned from Oliver and Company

Oliver and Company taught me that life is super hard when you are an orphan and instead of working hard and trying to better yourself as a person ,you should just join a gang of criminals because that is all you will ever be good for, even though you are really smart and have so much potential it don’t mean Jack Squat. And besides, they are such good descent people who wouldn’t want to be like them?

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Oliver and Company also taught me that when you do finally find a forever home after a life of crime you shouldn’t tell your new family anything at all, even after they’ve been threatened by the cool  criminals you used to hang out with. Because being a rich kid is too big of a deal to squander on the possibility of losing everything and going back to the streets even though that means they could be in grave danger.

So there you have it, just a few life lessons I learned from watching Disney movies. I haven’t even touched the princesses and princes yet so there will definitely be a part 2 and 3 in the works!

Stay weird people!

Everyone always dreams of becoming a super hero, right?

You know, one day you wake up with some ridiculously awesome superpowers. Sometimes, there’s an accident that occurs for these powers to be brought out of you and other times people are born with them only to discover them later in life.

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Well, as I’ve (against my will) grown into an adult I’ve realized that damn… I must be one of those people born with powers and just didn’t know it because everybody else sure as hell does.

So, of course I’ve made a list of the powers people seem to believe that I have that I had no idea I had in the first place!

Unknown Super Power Number 1:

The ability to see through walls. It seems as though people always just expects me to know where they are at all times even if I am not in the same room with them. They believe this so much so that if I cannot automatically detect where they are they get angry at me. Like “How dare you now know where I am even if I didn’t think to tell you, you’re supposed to know!”

Let me just clarify that my eyesight might be super amazing, but it is not THAT amazing so if you expect me to know where you are then use your words, kay buddy?

Unknown Super Power Number 2:

It seems I have the ability to make people talk. All the time. It’s like I’m the human form of some kind of talking sensitizer and once people lock on me it’s just blah blah blah blah.

Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to people,  It’s amazing the types of conversations I sometimes have with people but for the love of all that is good and pure in this world why…. why… why… why… would you randomly feel the need to tell me about your horrible period this month? Or the fact that you haven’t had a solid poop in 5 days.

I don’t need to know this information so PLEASE STOP.

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Unknown Super Power Number 3:

Now, I’m not sure if this one counts as a super power more than I believe this was me in a previous life and it is following me to this new life.

Because, heaven forbid, the moment I say anything. ANYTHING. People automatically believe they are in a debate team and I am their fabulous podium and it is time to speech it up. For example:

Me: “This cheese is really good.”

Them: “You know, the thing about cheese is in 1546 the prime chief of the clan of …… (continues for six straight hours)”

Me: (Breathes deeply)

This happens every. single. time.

Unknown Super Power Number 4:

My life is the Fantastic Four and I am the thing. You see apparently people think that I am made out of stone because, hurting my feelings, disappointing me or making me feel bad is not a big deal at all. You see I am the type of person that just takes it, no matter how much it hurts, I take it and I deal with it until I’m alone and then I go cry in the shower until I get over it.

And because I am not the type to say anything about the situation people have automatically decided: “Meh, we don’t have to give a shit about her, she’s cool, she’ll understand. We can just give a halfhearted apology or something and then it’ll be fine. Whatever.”

I can tell you know that that is not true. If you cut me I bleed like everybody else, okay! Okay.

Unknown Super Power Number: 5

Now, I’m not sure if this is just my face or if people actually have this assumption about me but apparently I am Miss Explain Yourself Girl!!

Because explaining something once is never enough, you have to go and explain it to me 63585 23549 232358 66996 2 times like an idiot for you to happily believe that I will understand what you are saying.

Really?

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So, here are a few examples of super powers I do know I have

Known Super Power Number 1:

So this one I actually do know that I posses and it is The Super Fabulous Incredibly Talented Procrastinator Girl!!

‘Cause let me tell you, I can procrastinate like a boss. I hate being productive, I have so much work that I’d rather just find so many other things to do instead of work. I guess many people who are lazy can relate with me on this one, ey?

Known Super Power Number 2:

Have you ever heard of the saying “No shit, Captain Obvious?”

Yea, I’m kind of the living embodiment of that saying because I have this stupid ability to always, ALWAYS, state out the obvious in any given situation. Especially if I am feeling awkward or need to lie to be polite.

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For example. see a woman with a baby:

Person: “So, here is my new born baby! Isn’t she beautiful!!”

Me: “Wow, that there, is a child in your arms. A human child, a female human child, that you grew in your belly. For nine months. Growing and changing. Wow. Biology.”

What can I say, personally kids remind me of big hairless spitting and pooping monsters which should be avoided up until the time they are able to detect and appreciate awesomeness, then we can be friends.

Or perhaps the weather. (Storms outside.) “Wow, it sure is raining.”

They know, Claudia, they know.

Known Super Power Number 3:

Another one of my super power names are Super Anxiety Girl!

Because I get freaked out and anxious over pretty much everything!

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Perfection, is what I strive for.

Not perfection, is what I get.

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SOOOOO there you have it! Thanks so much for reading the weirdness of the inner workings of my bored mind!

On a side note, I have started my very own YouTube Channel where I go a little bit deeper into the blogs that I write. I am having so much fun doing it and it is such an amazing experience for myself and I really hope that you will take a moment to go watch the couple of videos that I have already put on.

Please be sure to subscribe because I will be making regular videos and just think about it, once you watch the videos you can actually hear me talk and over exaggerate whilst reading my blog in the future!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v+ofTumCvwmkl  For Have You Been Friendzoned

and

http://youtu.be/7Pn9htx6ZbU  for Types of Single People

Alright,

Stay weird people.

This One Is For The Boys

Earlier today, I read something on my Facebook page that really sort of pissed me off.  

 It was a picture that was innocently shared by a girl who agreed with the sentiment that said “I’d rather be dating a guy covered in dirt and grease than a guy dressed in a suit and tie”.

 

This kind of got me to thinking how everyone is always going on and on about how society has these impossible standards of beauty for women, and how unfair society is to women and how women need better this and more of that and people should stop doing this to women.

 

But…

 

I ask you, what about the men?

 

In today’s day it is no longer acceptable to judge a woman based on her weight, because “curvy is beautiful too” or “real women have curves” but if a guy is not sporting a six pack, or have a strong square jaw or big bulging muscles then he is “just a friend” or even gross.

 

Women have become experts on hiding their true selves with make up, clothing and diets while men still basically stay the same. And they get brutally judged for it.

   

Posting pics of crazy hot firemen, “real men have beards” and either hunky farmers or dashing business men and portray them as “real men” is exactly the same as saying “real women” have big boobs, small bodies and are all a size 6. What’s  worse is that its the women who posts these pictures, not the men.

 

Unlike women, men don’t worry about those kinds of things. They are too busy working their asses off so that they can afford to buy you flowers, or jewellery, or pay for a house and children etc etc etc. and yes, most women now a days are capable of doing those things themselves, but that’s only if they live in places that are able to offer jobs that can support a woman like that, but for normal women with normal jobs that don’t have those kinds of opportunities it does ultimately fall upon the men to take care of them.

 

So I ask you, what does dirt and grease or a suit and tie have to do with the man you are seeing? 

  

 We should rather be thinking about character, moral and spiritual values, his emotional maturity for the kind of relationship that you desire, his ability to be a man, to protect you, care for you and stand by you as an equal partner rather than his looks or whether he has a gigantic shlonge.

 

Come on ladies, we are so loud and proud about women being treated as equals, not being judged for our appearances and being able to be ourselves, why aren’t men allotted this right?

 

I am so sick of hearing that “You know, if he isn’t six feet tall, dark hair, blue eyes and a millionaire he just shouldn’t talk to me”

 

Take a real good look in the mirror and ask yourself, if a six foot tall, millionaire Adonis really came over your path are YOU the type of woman that HE would be attracted to? Or is there a much better option available to his type of standard? 

 

Really?

 

Every girl/woman is always going on and on about how they wish to meet a sweet and kind, caring, attentive man that can take care of them but then they end up dating assholes who only use and hurt them but they friendzone the really sweet guys.

   

Why?

 

Because the assholes are super hot, that’s why.

 

Maybe if we put the hand-mirrors down for a change, stop changing our Facebook Profile Pictures so much and actually try to meet someone decent instead of superly dooperly sexy then maybe it is actually possible to have and maintain a lasting relationship.

 

This probably won’t agree with many people, but it’s the hard truth and somebody has to say it! If women want to be treated better and equally, then I think men do too 

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Sorry, not sorry 😉

 

Stay Weird people

 

 

Signs You’re Dating a Crazy Chick

I’m probably going to get in trouble for this one because hell, last time I checked I too am female. But, gosh darnnit! I’m going to do it anyway.

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I’ve met so many real, nice, and true God-fearing guys in my lifetime and at one point or another these guys were all dating a real life bag of crazy. I’m talking about this girl falling out the crazy tree and hitting every single branch on her way down to the ground. I’m talking Leighton Meester in The Roommate crazy.

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Unfortunately, the poor bastards had no idea what it was that was happening, before it was too late of course. So, with my own crazy obsession with making lists I have compiled a few tell-tale signs that the chick you’re seeing is a wee bit off her rocker.

Now before I continue, don’t feel bad, it happens to everyone. You meet someone and for all tense and purposes this person is seriously awesome. I mean what an absolute babe was Uma Thurman in My Super Ex Girlfriend? Well… in the beginning at least.

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It doesn’t happen all at once so don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t see it coming.

Insane-ie-sign Number 1

This girl is an absolute freak in the sheets. She is down for pretty much everything, even that one thing that makes you really nervous but you do it anyway because you don’t want to come across as a whuss. Yea she loves that. Anytime. Anywhere. Any way. You say the word and it is go time. Which is what any red blooded male would love, isn’t it? However, you do find it strange and a little bit scary that she keeps asking you to do it in the cemetery. At night. On her dad’s grave.

Insane-ie-sign Number 2

Her mood fluctuates more then a normal woman. So while people in “other” #normal relationships only deal with these kinds of mood swings once a month you deal with them once, twice sometimes three times a day.

She loves you. She hates you. She wants you. She can’t stand you. You’re her world and then suddenly you’re a disgusting little worm she wants to smoosh under her 6 inch boot.

It’s all very confusing and you don’t know where you two stand most of the time.

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Insane-ie-sign Number 3

Her eyes.

They are always just… a little… too… big.

Whenever she is upset or angry her eyes kind of, bulge, out of her head like… almost like she’s a hamster being squeezed too hard by a kid with strong chubby little hands.

Insane-ie-sign Number 4

Say your girl is a blonde. You see a girl on the TV with red hair and you innocently comment that you think that looks very attractive. She laughs a little, you laugh a little, and you go about the rest of your date completely normal.

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But a week later, you see her again only her hair now too is a bright red. Big red flag. If a girl is willing to make drastic changes like that over a single comment you should definitely be worried, my friend.

Insane-ie-sign Number 5

Any and all other women – including your mother, sister, aunt, cousin, niece and grandmother – are jealous, conniving hell-whores who need to be eliminated from your life. She hates all women and will definitely cut them if she gets the opportunity.

Insane-ie-sign Number 6

She gets really upset when some one talks to you about her. Everyone in the whole world who speaks ill of her are fucking liars and you shouldn’t believe them because they are just jealous of what you have and want to ruin your perfect garden of happiness with their poison seeds of lies and deceit and they all just need to shut their dirty mouths because I am not mad!

Okay, I am not inane! They are insane!

I know you are, but what am I?!

I even heard that they like Hitler! Yea. Yea. Yea. So, you shouldn’t believe dirty Nazi whores above me okay. Okay. Okay!!

Okay!

Insane-ie-sign Number 7

Any woman who she believes is more attractive than her are satanic, pro-abortion and infected with syphilis. She knows this for a fact because she knows everything about every one and you should just take her word for it. So don’t you even dare look at them Mister!

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Insane-ie-sign Number 8

This sign sort of goes hand in hand with sign number 6, this is because everyone is either out to get her or extremely jealous of her or absolutely friggin’ adores her. In her mind she is Kim K and if you or ANYONE says ANYTHING differently then you are just a sick, jealous hater who needs to get a life and stay out of my business or I will CUT YOU!!!

Insane-ie-sign Number 9

This person is either a) obsessed with everything being super clean and super tidy or there will be hell to pay or b) really super messy, so messy she lost her dog a few weeks ago in her laundry and she still hasn’t found it.

Insane-ie-sign Number 10

She loves surprising you.

With your favourite food. Tickets to see your favourite band. A photo album of your future children you’ll be having together. Making a spare key to your apartment want watching you sleep at night. Putting photos of herself everywhere with big eyes that just keep on watching you. Bugging your apartment to make sure you’re okay. Flying across the country to meet your mom without telling you. Buying herself a ring and telling everyone that you are her “husband”.

Insane-ie-sign Number 11

She is the queen of self help books and you can never, ever EVER win an argument with her because she read in this book written by this personal that this kind of behaviour just a cry for help and she will always be there to help you cope with your emotional needs and will never EVER leave you.

Insane-ie-sign Number 12

You know how girls like to pretend to hit you and you pretend that it hurts?

She doesn’t pretend. And it hurts. A lot.

Except she’s being all cute about it so you don’t know if she really means it or if she just doesn’t know her own strength.

Which is really, scarily strong.

Insane-ie-sign Number 13

She calls and texts you non stop. And may God have mercy on your soul if you do not contact her back within the first 5 mili-seconds. She doesn’t understand that sometimes people are busy, or pooping or sleeping. She gets very upset  and does not care if you are with friends, or at the movies or even are a funeral you better answer your phone you little bitch.

Insane-ie-sign Number 14

She completely and utterly takes over your social media, it’s basically like a dog pissing all over its territory so that no other dogs will come near it. a lot of super romantic pictures and quotes. It’s called cyber claiming.

Insane-ie-sign Number 15

Whenever you do confront her about her madness one of two things happens

1) she uses sex to distract you, it’s a very common tactic used by women to ensure a man doesn’t use his common sense to see what a basket case she really is or 2) she manipulates you.

Now this one depends on who you are as a person, she can either start sobbing hysterically because she knows you can’t stand to see a woman cry, she can get very loud and angry because she knows your spineless when it comes to women or she can take a risk by threatening to leave you because she knows you have a fear of rejection.

Don’t ever underestimate a woman, especially if she’s crazy. That is the most calculated kind of crazy  there is.

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So yea,  some women are seriously screwy and hopefully this opened up someone’s eye to the fact that they are either dating a slightly mad woman or actually am one. Who knows!

Just in case I never post again, you should know I’m probably dead. Or dying in someone’s freezer. Tell my mom I love her!!

Stay weird people!

Things That Freak Me out

Most humans of the modern world are raised the same. In this I mean certain social rules of conduct are applied from parent to child, parent to child and so on and so forth. It’s how we’ve lived all these many, many years.

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But as I grow older and the world grows bolder I am starting to see some of those “passed down rules” being ignored and some even blatantly challenged.

Don’t get me wrong I do get the appeal of being a free thinker and making my own way as I go along but some of these things are just… weird.

Just a disclaimer this is my personal opinion and should in no way be taken seriously as I do like to make fun of everything so… chill.

Movies

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I find it surprising how many, many, MANY movie companies out there are making devilish movies. The Devil’s this and Lucifer’s that, demons this and exorcism of whomever. And the worst of all is that they are not even good movies. The screen writers basically sat there with a book titled “1001 Horror Movie Clichés” and used them all. Every. Single. One.

Walk around a corner and jump scare. Open a door, jump scare. Oh those walls are dripping “Die bitch die” in blood? Wow. Let me guess… they’re going to have sex and then one of them is going to be possessed by a demon and kill the other? Yep, thought so. Ahhh, you though summoning the devil himself is just a silly game, well jokes on you whore.

Seriously, are there no more original scary ideas? It’s either super bad CGI or furniture moves by themselves. And this freaks me out because it is so boring. The whole reason for the horror movie genre is so that people can pee themselves and not sleep for the next three weeks, not me narrating in my head like the guy from Cinema Sins on Youtube.

And don’t even get me started on product placement yet again thanks to Cinema Sins every time I see a coke or Pepsi can I hear the dude say “Well I guess we know who sponsored this scene”.  Damn you!

The Female Gender

Even though I am a girl myself I honestly don’t get our gender at all. Like seriously. At all.

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You want equal rights as a man? You want the same jobs, the same pay and the same respect as a man? Sure you go girl.

But why are you getting angry when he doesn’t pay the whole bill? Or why are you whining about finding your knight in shining armor when just last week you went to a protest stating you don’t need a man to do shit because men and women are equal?

Ohhh… I see, you want to be a feminist in all other aspects of your life except when you’re horny. Smells like some double standards me thinks.

And body image. Good Shakespeare I do not understand body images. How is it possible that just yesterday you were complaining how fat you’re where but today you are the next friggin top model? Hormones are sick sons of bitches that Mother Nature plays on us and I am getting sick of it.  AM I happy? Am I sad? Do I want chocolate or just to jump your bones? Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?!

Or the fact that a girl can spend an hour doing a full face of make up but then not do her eyebrows. I’m sorry did you want to look like you have none? Because shaving them off would look a lot better then the faint white babies hairs you got going on ‘cause you decided to rub foundation all over them too.

No! Just no.

Identical Twins

First off, they look EXACTLY the same. That’s already bad, but then you go and dress exactly the same as well? Tell me something, just how exactly, am I supposed to differentiate you as an individual is you insist on dressing exactly the same and pretending to be the other person just to freak me out?

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Secondly, are you really twins – do twins even really exists – or did the government decide to release a deadly toxin in the air that makes people go all loopy but they don’t know it because it happens really slowly over a span of your lifetime but one of the side effects are like really vivid double vision? Huh? How should I know I’m just an innocent by stander in all of this?

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It just baffles me that there are two where there should just be one. Baffles me I say!

Ellie Goulding

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Yea…that wasn’t a mistake.

Ellie Goulding the person doesn’t freak me out as much as the feelings she stirs inside me every time I see her stunning face or hear her silky voice and that… makes me… really confused which in turns freaks me out.

She is just… physically perfect… in every way, shape or form that is humanly possible and it just… confuses me.

Her hair is so… blonde.

People who don’t instantly go insane and kill spiders.

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I’m sorry but if you want to be in my life, be my friend, boyfriend, blood relation, whatever and you do not instantly go Jackie Chan on a spider’s ass I have to question our relationship.

I do not care if it is the size of a coin or my face, it must die.

Especially if it’s the size of my face.

We can just burn the house it’s fine.

I remember watching the movie “Seeking a Friend for the End of The World” and Steve Carells character wanted to kill a spider that was in his bathroom but decided he won’t because the world was going to die like anytime soon. And then the next day that idiot woke up with a spider bite on his face the size of mount doom!!

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What kind of foolishness???

So there you have it, just a few pieces of knowledge on why I might end up in a mental institution and become famous for it. Because that is apparently how stuff happens in the gilts and glam world it would seem.

Stay weird people!

Types Of: Angry People

Anger is a very common emotion felt by everyone in their lives. Sometimes it happens maybe once or twice a month for other people it could be once of twice a day. It all depends on who you are as a person and how you handle strong emotions.

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But let’s face it, when someone is angry, it’s super funny. The way they struggle and stutter, I find it hilarious. So I’ve decided to compile a list of the different types of angry people I have come across in my life span and of course my wacky interpretation of them.

Le’go!

Angry type person number one!

The Shortage

This type of person is just insanely funny to me. And I have on several occasions laughed in this persons face, upfront, when they tried to be angry with me – sometimes not so smart.

When this person gets angry it’d like their body has no idea how handle this emotion so a wire or sometime snaps loose inside their brains and they just start twitching uncontrollably. This is mostly a muscle in the face like they eyelid or the corner or their mouths, maybe their neck starts to twitch and by then I just lose my shit and start laughing like a mad person.

Laughing at them can go both ways, sometimes seeing me laugh makes them laugh and they calm down and forget why they were angry and sometimes it makes them even more angry which makes them twitch even more which makes me almost pee my pants.

It’s a vicious cycle this one.

Angry type person number two!

The Disappointed Teacher

 

This type of angry person is a real buzz kill. In my opinion if I am in a fight with someone I’d at least like to be able to joke about it in my mind, but this person makes it impossible because they shame you so bad you feel like a naughty child who has been told to go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

That is no fun.

If we are going to be fighting I’d prefer if we do it one of three ways, screaming, crying/laughing or bikini clad and drenched in oil (sorry, I’ve been told this blog is too girly and the boys needed something. Aaaaand you’re welcome.)

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Angry type person number three!

The Not so Incredible Hulk

This person is about as intimidating as my yorkie is big and scary. But just like my yorkie he or she believes they are this incredibly scary monster of mass human destruction that will obliterate me from existence with just…one…look.

No. Just no.

You are a little flat faced kitten dressed in a hello kitty outfit eating Nuttella from a spork, my friend.  And that way you shall remain!

Angry type person number four!

The Bipolar/Scitzo – Holy shit I might die right now

  This person is super intimidating. They might not look it, they might not sound like it but when they are mad at you, you suddenly fear for your life. They don’t scream – much, they tend to remain fairly even toned, at first. Then suddenly they break out and you nearly shit yourself because for the moment you thought they were handling it quite well but then suddenly they lose their freaking minds!

One moment they give you the God Father speech right before someone “sleeps with the fishes” and the next moment they tell you how much they love you and how your actions/behaviors disappoints them beyond words and they won’t stand for it.

Run. Run as fast as your legs and carry you!

 

Angry type person number Five!

The Hold me Back! Hold me Back! Will Someone Please Hold Me Back?!

 

 This person really wants to be intimidating when they’re angry, they do, they really, really do. But… they’re not. The fact that they try to be this kind of person is honestly just pathetic and so irritating because asking your friends to hold you back just seems cowardly.

Like, if you want to act all tough and imply that ass is going to be kicked then you better be prepared to kick some ass or you just seem and probably are a little bitch.

I mean come on! Grow a pair and rub some dirt on it or something.

Angry type person number Six!

The Ugly Cry Face

  Bless this person’s heart but they cannot deal with the emotion that is anger. This person (me) hates conflict and will do whatever it takes to avoid it. They’d be more then willing (me) to literally hide from it. But as life sometimes would have it, you just aren’t able to hide from some things and you have to face it which brings me to the ugly cry face you (me) make during the whole fight.

You aren’t necessarily crying to be exact but the different emotions just kind of like contort your face into this weird crying and/or screaming position which doesn’t go away and makes you look like you just took the most painful dump in the history of most painful dumps ever. Ever. (Me).

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 Angry type person number Seven!

The Sarcastic Commentator

This person deserves a visit from the (he Bipolar/Scitzo – Holy shit I might die right now) angry person because their behavior is just not acceptable.

Instead of being a regular person and either telling or yelling that they are made this person decides to keep that information for themselves and just undermine every single little thing that you do and bad mouth you to everyone on the face of the planet.

That, Sir or Madam, is not cool! Nobody likes this kind of person so do not be them. It just takes that much longer to resolve the situation and you are making it massively uncomfortable for everyone involved and all of the random people you are randomly involving so shut your face and come clean on why you are angry.

Nobody likes a sleazy two faced person so stop it!

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So there you have it, a couple of different types of angry people we all meet and most of us are! Hope this tickled a funny bone and made this Monday not so blue.

Stay weird people!

Types of: Annoying Couples

Going off my Types of Single people I thought it be only fair to not forsake my joint at the hip friends taking part in the socially expectable forsaking of ones individual identify for a joint identity.

Okay so I may be over exaggerating but know there are many people who can agree that some couples are honestly just the worst…. for single people.

Let’s get to it!

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  Annoying type couple number one!

The conjoined twins!

 This is very self explanatory. They are always together. Always. Together. If these people could take a pee in a public place together they’d sure as hell be holding hands on the john.

This couple has completely forgot the meaning of personal pace and every single person out there hates them for it.

 Annoying type couple number two!

The long distance lovers!

 This couple makes us very sad. They make us very happy. But a week after them reuniting they make us very nauseous. And we tend to feel like a really poopy person for getting irritated with them because they hardly ever see each other but their love is so strong it lasts and lasts and we feel really horrible about ourselves because no one is ever going to love us like that….

Whoo.. Sorry got a little carried away there.

So yes, they hardly ever see each other but someway that we cannot possibly phantom they make it work and we love/hate/resent/rejoice them for it.

 Annoying type couple number three!

The obnoxious couple!

 I personally hate this kind of couple. Individually they are awesome but together they try so very hard to prove that they are couple of the year, it’s disgusting.

They are always reminding you how much of an awesome couple they are, they always remind you that he/she is in an awesome coupled relationship and worst of all this person(s) is always trying to set you up with random friends because “you haven’t been happy unless you’ve been a couple so we need to save you from your complete and total unhappiness so you can be as happy as we are.”

You make me sick couple. Forshame!

 

 Annoying type couple number four!

The I can’t believe they haven’t killed each other yet couple!

 In my person opinion if you are part of this kind of couple then you should maybe reevaluate your goals in life. Being part of this kind of couple is self-destructing, manipulating, hurtful and just plain sucky.

This is a couple made out of two people who are so wrong for each other but so hard headed that they just don’t give a damn. They are always fighting, screaming, making it super uncomfortable for other people. They never allow the other their freedom but it works both ways. They are super possessive and sometimes borderline abusive. Being in a couple like this is very risky because even though you love the person very, very much they are hurting each other more then loving them

Annoying type couple number five!

The So cute I can barf couple!

Yea…

I really hate this couple.

They make it abundantly clear how freaking cute they are and it makes me sick. Sure I am super happy for them, and it makes my heart go all warm and tingly when they get warm and fuzzy but for heavens sake there must be something wrong with them, anything!

It is physically impossible to be that good together and I refuse to believe otherwise!

Annoying type couple number six!

The I’m surprised they aren’t pregnant yet.

These people get it on. A lot. A loooooooot. Every single chance they get to get busy they’d gladly take and it’s disgusting! Just stop it okay!

If I have to walk around one more corner and have a mini heart attack I am going to lose my shit. Seriously! Have you never heard of the term “get a freaking room?” one preferably with a key and that is completely sound proof?

Gah!

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Types of annoying couple number seven!

The Facebook Fake Couple!

This kind of couple is equally as annoying as it is sad because they basically only live for their Facebook status.

Meaning on Facebook they are the most perfect most wonderfully amazing couple in the history of the world but as soon as you get with them in person it’s either a) they’re like brother and sister and they completely gross you out or b) they HATE eachother.

Talking behind their backs, pulling faces making fun and flirting with other people leaving you confused and a little scared.

This is not an ideal couple to be apart of.

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So there you have it. All the super annoying yet super endearing types of couples. But seriously some of my best-best friends are in couples and I love that they are so happy with their partners. So don’t take this one too seriously.

Alright, stay weird people.

Types of: Single People!

There are many, many different types of single people out there. And seeing as I have been one of them for a while, I have decided to upset myself by writing a list of all the different types I know.

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Yea…

 Single person Number one!

The Hugh Hefner:-

 This person rocks the single life like it ain’t no bodies business. They’re fun and energetic and people love to love them, however, they on the other hand don’t and won’t ever commit to a monogamous relationship. Ever. Like ever. At all. Nothing. Nope. Nada.

The being in a coupled thing, being an “us” or “we” instead of an “I” and “me” just doesn’t float their boat as it does other people. They’ve tried it before, sure, maybe they’d meet someone amazing who’d change their whole entire perspective about the world of being together but they found that it just doesn’t make them happy.

For them it’s not about sleeping around, wanting multiple partners or being an actual player but more of the fact that they hate being tied down. The idea of being tied to one person for the rest of their whole entire existence seems odd and scary and they just aren’t up for that.

 Single person number two!

The not so Single-Single person:-

 This person is always single, but also never really alone. They always seem to have some kind of romantic “companion” around and seem to enjoy all the perks of being in a relationship without actually committing to a relationship.

This is the kind of person that will get swept up in all of the romance, the dinners, the movies, the cuddles but as soon as they realize the other person is getting serious about them and where “this is heading” they take an emotional nose dive and back right the hell off like you just killed their dog and made their mother watch, they usually end up dumping the person with some lame excuse but then a few weeks maybe even days after, they start all over again with someone new.

 Single type person number three!

The Not-Available-At-This-Moment-Single person:-

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 This person is honestly the worst, because they are the most amazing, charismatic, wonderful, attractive, sexy person(s) you’d ever have the pleasure of meeting…..

If…..

They weren’t busy working every single second of every single day.

It is physically impossible to drag this person away from their work. They would gladly sit for 6 hours straight on excel typing some sort spread sheet then being with someone they could possibly care if they had taken the time to actually build a lasting relationship with.

These are the types of single people who suddenly wake up when they’re 40 years old and realize that half of they’re lives are gone. Yeesh.

 Single type person number four!

The Oops-I-Did-It-Again Single Person;-

 This person is single. In a relationship. Single again. Nope wait, they’re back in the…. no…. yes they’re… no not anymo… wait they’re bac… no gone…

Well I’ll be damned…. make up your bloody mind!! Pick a person and stay with them already!!!

Single type person number five!

That Catharine Zeta-Jones Movie Where-She-Dates-a-Much-Younger-Guy-After-Finding-Her-Husband-Getting-a-Blowjob-By-Her-Best-Friend-On-Her-Birthday-Video.

 This is a newly single person after a rather long period of not being a single person. They truly and wholeheartedly believe that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Anyone else. As long as they have the genitalia they desire it is pretty much on

This is because they’d do anything to get the previous person out of their heads and hearts. Rebounding is very common amongst young people, particularly women who just got dumped. But they never end well because you didn’t really like the person… big mess.

Single type person number six!

The Forever Alone Meme Come to Life;-

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We’ve all seen this meme right? It’s used as a joke amongst the youngens to joke about them not finding the right person but there are some people out there who truly believe they will be alone forever.

This is usually due to a horrific break up and the other person mentally not being able to get over that person. Even if they do actually meet someone they are so caught up on their ex that everything is compared back to him/her. And who really wants to compete with an ex who has moved on probably ten fold by now?

Single type person number seven!

The What is wrong with me why am I always alone Single type person:-

Lesbi-honest, we’ve all been this single person at least once in our dating lives. Being this person sucks big time because no matter who you are, what you do or how good of a person you are… you hate yourself for being alone. You get to that point where you literally start to believe that you do not deserve love.

This could be because you’d been hurt in almost every relationship you’d ever had or you’ve been told by someone you care about that you’re worthless. Being this type on single person is someone we all experience because we all have insecurities that sometimes get the best of us.

It’s what you do with those feelings after that really define you as a person.

So there you have it! A couple of the different types of single people out there!

Stay weird people.

A Bleeding South Africa

This week turned out the be an extremely sad one for our fellow South Africans.

We all said goodbye to a woman most – if not all – of us had never had the privilege of meeting. 706x410q70rebecca on missed storiesJayde Panayiotou was taken from the world by a forceful evil that plagues our country.

I did not know her. Yet this feels like a personal loss for me. As soon as my mother phoned me I could hear in her voice it was not good news, and she told me that they had found her body.

I want to take a moment and tell everyone taking the time reading this, that in this country where we live in, I knew this would not have a happy ending. Because it never has in the past.

How sad is that?

The fact of the matter is that our part of Africa is clouded with greed, hate, violence and worst of all it is covered in a thick veil of all our silences. No one speaks out, and those who have tried were shoved under the thick “Rainbow Nation” rug, the stories of our reality never gets published because of reasons that I would never, ever even begin to understand.

I find the fact disgusting that these animals believe they have the right to our lives, our bodies and worst of all our innocence. This complex of I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whom ever I want is getting redundant and more so it is getting to be accepted by us. How many has it been now? How many more?

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But that is all the attention I will give to that disgusting, vile piece of rubbish. You will get yours one way or the other and in that fact I take deep pleasure, and when you finally die and lay down your head, you will get an eternity of it as you are burned with all the fear and pain and death that you yourself caused.

To all the people in power who happens to come across this I ask you one thing; if Jayde had been your sister, daughter, granddaughter or niece would you stand back idly, as you are doing right now? Would you let this go on without a fight?

Or is it that you take comfort in the fact that you and your loved ones are safely protected by armed guards, your high fences and large houses? Why should you worry, right? You are safe. But what about your people?

As our leaders, as the people who most of the people of South Africa chose to be in charge, you should be doing everything to protect us. But instead you sit back, rub your belly and smile because if it does not directly affect you or your own, then it is not your problem?

Have you seen Barack Obama’s statement when all those children were shot and killed? How he mourned.

Or when Hollywood made that movie about assassinating the Korean President how the WHOLE country stood together in disgust because it offended them to their core.

I wonder what Nelson Mandela would say if he knew of this, after everything that that man went through to get this country the freedom it deserves, that it was all for nothing. The poor man is probably rolling over in his grave as we speak because all of you are doing NOTHING to help the people who need you. If you’d rather sit back with your riches that is fine, please take it and relax, but at least give this responsibility to someone else who is willing fulfill the promise you made to this country. Let someone else keep that promise if you won’t.

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We are a nation crying out to be saved, our hands are in the air begging to be pulled out from the muck that we are drowning in, but we keep sinking. Who is going to save us?? Because if not our leaders then this country is for sure doomed.

Whatever happened to being one nation? The rainbow nation everyone so proudly shouted from the roof tops? What happened to that dream that you continually shoved down our throats year after year, or was that just because we needed to look good for the rest of the world that one time when they came here to play soccer?

That’s pretty pathetic.

Jayde Panayiotou DESERVES justice. Her life was TAKEN, ripped apart by monsters who believe they are above the law, above you and shockingly enough above God.

How many more women are going to have to be abducted, tortured, raped and murdered before you decide to stand up?

How many more of our guests in this country are going to be killed in broad daylight before you step in and say enough.

The best of all is their faces were caught on camera, a quick facial recognition and they could be identified, arrested and put into a cage where they belong, yet they still walk free?

You are NOT their friend for allowing this, you are their floor mat and you are just showing the world that you are weak. That your own people think so little of you that they’d break YOUR LAWS, the one’s YOU created, in broad daylight, ON CAMERA for the rest of the world to see.The rest of the world is laughing at South Africa. They are calling us “savage animals that needs to be put out” so what are we going to do? Kill and rape the rest of the world? Because that seems to be the only solution we’ve got.

I shake my head in sadness for what this beautiful country of ours has turned into and I hope and I pray that some of the other countries will take pity on the innocent and begin to step in. Because if they don’t, and soon,  I fear for what is to come.

To Jayde’s family, nothing in this world I can ever say or do will console you in this time. I pray to God that you will at least find comfort in knowing that so many people have felt the loss of her. That her light brought so many people together, that for once we worked as a team and stood together even though the result was a sad one.

Not one single person in this country has managed to do that yet and that shows me that there just still might be hope for us.