What Disney Movies Taught Me

So, because I am a child at heart I love watching Disney movies when I’m sad, or scared or bored, or just generally I watch them all.the.time . Like, I’d marathon that ish until I am good and stupid and feeling a little bit innocent again.

It helps a lot when adulting get’s too much.

Which is all the time, btw.

So that is what I did, and I’ll be honest it’s been a while since I actually took the time to sit/lay/hibernate down and enjoy these movies and let me just tell you, they are not at all what I remembered.

So my brain started thinking about what these movies really taught me and well: list.

What I learned from the Lion King.

The Lion King taught me thdownloadat being a selfish ungrateful brat is okay. As long as you remember where you came from… one day… eventually… and even though you haven’t worked a single day in your whole entire life, it will all end happily as soon as one of your parents (whoever is more financially stable that is) dies in a horrific accident. Then you’ll just inherit a bunch of money and land and servents and boom! Set for life.

The Lion King also taught me that whenever I mess up, like big time, the best and most rational solution to that problem is just to run away and avoid the mess you made. Let someone else deal with that business, you know.

What I learned from Toy Story

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Toy Story taught me to always accept and acknowledge my bad side, i.e. when I’m feeling super jealous of someone I just met, I shouldn’t try to work through it or get to know them in any way, shape or form. I should rather just let that jealousy spew my up in my hate fire which ultimately leadd me to plot this person’s demise.

Toy Story also taught me that if I really truly don’t like this person I should just throw their ass out the window and hope no one saw. If someone did see, I should pretend it was an accident and try to save the day. But deep down inside I hope they get kidnapped by a psychopath who wants to blow their faces off with fireworks.

It also taught me that my toys may be possessed by demons that brings them to life when I’m not around.

What I learned from Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo taught me that if one of my parents is a little over protective, because I don’t know – they witnessed the mass murder of my other parent and several hundred other siblings!!! I should just turn into a little brat and deliberately disobey and put myself into harms way, just to prove a point that I know better then him, download (2)even though I’m basically a toddler and don’t know diddly squat about the world BECAUSE my irritating overbearing, parent protected me from all the bad the world has to offer.

Finding Nemo also taught me that I shouldn’t be  worried if strange monsters-like creatures kidnap and take me hundreds maybe even thousands of miles away from said overbearing parent who – by the way warned me against such dangers – because they won’t actually hurt me, kill me or even sell me into the child sex slave world. No-no, they’ll take me to a super nice place that is not life threatening what.so.ever and they’ll put me with sweet and loving people that will ultimately protect and help me to escape the nice place to go back to said over protective parent.

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What I learned from The Jungle Book

The Jungle Book taught me that it is safe for a child to wander alone in wherever the hell it is that he was – “the jungle” and that as long as you have a cute name and hair-do you can befriend a wild ass fucking bear and you won’t have to be scared of it mauling you to death because it will just love you and have you float on its belly and sing you songs.

Other then that to be truthfully honest I don’t remember much more of that movie because I never really liked it all that much. You’ve got the boy. The bear. The Panther who’s just kinda there when they needed some muscle. The monkey’s and that pervy-ass tiger who got waaaaay too sexual about eating the boy, if ya know what I’m saying.

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What I learned from 101 Dalmatians

 

101 Dalmatians taught me that when it comes to fashion some chicks are REALLY willing to go the distance.

101 Dalmatians also taught me that it is perfectly possible for a newly wed couple to support, feed, groom, care for and provide everything – physical and emotional – to one hundred and one freaking Dalmatians. That right there, is the reason I forced my poor single mother to buy me all the animals ever single frigging time I saw a pet store. No matter how many I already had, because if Anita and Roger can do it then I can too dammit!

What I learned from Fantasia

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Fantasia taught me that the human mind is capable of many, many, MANY things when it is high AF.

What I learned from Lady and The Tramp

Lady and the Tramp taught me that if my parents piss me off I should just run away from home and start dating some homeless person who is way beneath my league and a little scary. That’ll give them the finger!

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Lady and the Tramp also taught me that poor people who live on the street are actually super hot, super smart and live extremely exciting and not poverty filled lives at all.

It also taught me that it is perfectly safe for a rich naive girl with no street smarts to trust a street hustler and let him lead her down a dark ally and into junkyards.

What I learned from Oliver and Company

Oliver and Company taught me that life is super hard when you are an orphan and instead of working hard and trying to better yourself as a person ,you should just join a gang of criminals because that is all you will ever be good for, even though you are really smart and have so much potential it don’t mean Jack Squat. And besides, they are such good descent people who wouldn’t want to be like them?

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Oliver and Company also taught me that when you do finally find a forever home after a life of crime you shouldn’t tell your new family anything at all, even after they’ve been threatened by the cool  criminals you used to hang out with. Because being a rich kid is too big of a deal to squander on the possibility of losing everything and going back to the streets even though that means they could be in grave danger.

So there you have it, just a few life lessons I learned from watching Disney movies. I haven’t even touched the princesses and princes yet so there will definitely be a part 2 and 3 in the works!

Stay weird people!

Everyone always dreams of becoming a super hero, right?

You know, one day you wake up with some ridiculously awesome superpowers. Sometimes, there’s an accident that occurs for these powers to be brought out of you and other times people are born with them only to discover them later in life.

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Well, as I’ve (against my will) grown into an adult I’ve realized that damn… I must be one of those people born with powers and just didn’t know it because everybody else sure as hell does.

So, of course I’ve made a list of the powers people seem to believe that I have that I had no idea I had in the first place!

Unknown Super Power Number 1:

The ability to see through walls. It seems as though people always just expects me to know where they are at all times even if I am not in the same room with them. They believe this so much so that if I cannot automatically detect where they are they get angry at me. Like “How dare you now know where I am even if I didn’t think to tell you, you’re supposed to know!”

Let me just clarify that my eyesight might be super amazing, but it is not THAT amazing so if you expect me to know where you are then use your words, kay buddy?

Unknown Super Power Number 2:

It seems I have the ability to make people talk. All the time. It’s like I’m the human form of some kind of talking sensitizer and once people lock on me it’s just blah blah blah blah.

Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to people,  It’s amazing the types of conversations I sometimes have with people but for the love of all that is good and pure in this world why…. why… why… why… would you randomly feel the need to tell me about your horrible period this month? Or the fact that you haven’t had a solid poop in 5 days.

I don’t need to know this information so PLEASE STOP.

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Unknown Super Power Number 3:

Now, I’m not sure if this one counts as a super power more than I believe this was me in a previous life and it is following me to this new life.

Because, heaven forbid, the moment I say anything. ANYTHING. People automatically believe they are in a debate team and I am their fabulous podium and it is time to speech it up. For example:

Me: “This cheese is really good.”

Them: “You know, the thing about cheese is in 1546 the prime chief of the clan of …… (continues for six straight hours)”

Me: (Breathes deeply)

This happens every. single. time.

Unknown Super Power Number 4:

My life is the Fantastic Four and I am the thing. You see apparently people think that I am made out of stone because, hurting my feelings, disappointing me or making me feel bad is not a big deal at all. You see I am the type of person that just takes it, no matter how much it hurts, I take it and I deal with it until I’m alone and then I go cry in the shower until I get over it.

And because I am not the type to say anything about the situation people have automatically decided: “Meh, we don’t have to give a shit about her, she’s cool, she’ll understand. We can just give a halfhearted apology or something and then it’ll be fine. Whatever.”

I can tell you know that that is not true. If you cut me I bleed like everybody else, okay! Okay.

Unknown Super Power Number: 5

Now, I’m not sure if this is just my face or if people actually have this assumption about me but apparently I am Miss Explain Yourself Girl!!

Because explaining something once is never enough, you have to go and explain it to me 63585 23549 232358 66996 2 times like an idiot for you to happily believe that I will understand what you are saying.

Really?

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So, here are a few examples of super powers I do know I have

Known Super Power Number 1:

So this one I actually do know that I posses and it is The Super Fabulous Incredibly Talented Procrastinator Girl!!

‘Cause let me tell you, I can procrastinate like a boss. I hate being productive, I have so much work that I’d rather just find so many other things to do instead of work. I guess many people who are lazy can relate with me on this one, ey?

Known Super Power Number 2:

Have you ever heard of the saying “No shit, Captain Obvious?”

Yea, I’m kind of the living embodiment of that saying because I have this stupid ability to always, ALWAYS, state out the obvious in any given situation. Especially if I am feeling awkward or need to lie to be polite.

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For example. see a woman with a baby:

Person: “So, here is my new born baby! Isn’t she beautiful!!”

Me: “Wow, that there, is a child in your arms. A human child, a female human child, that you grew in your belly. For nine months. Growing and changing. Wow. Biology.”

What can I say, personally kids remind me of big hairless spitting and pooping monsters which should be avoided up until the time they are able to detect and appreciate awesomeness, then we can be friends.

Or perhaps the weather. (Storms outside.) “Wow, it sure is raining.”

They know, Claudia, they know.

Known Super Power Number 3:

Another one of my super power names are Super Anxiety Girl!

Because I get freaked out and anxious over pretty much everything!

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Perfection, is what I strive for.

Not perfection, is what I get.

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SOOOOO there you have it! Thanks so much for reading the weirdness of the inner workings of my bored mind!

On a side note, I have started my very own YouTube Channel where I go a little bit deeper into the blogs that I write. I am having so much fun doing it and it is such an amazing experience for myself and I really hope that you will take a moment to go watch the couple of videos that I have already put on.

Please be sure to subscribe because I will be making regular videos and just think about it, once you watch the videos you can actually hear me talk and over exaggerate whilst reading my blog in the future!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v+ofTumCvwmkl  For Have You Been Friendzoned

and

http://youtu.be/7Pn9htx6ZbU  for Types of Single People

Alright,

Stay weird people.

Signs You’re Dating a Crazy Chick

I’m probably going to get in trouble for this one because hell, last time I checked I too am female. But, gosh darnnit! I’m going to do it anyway.

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I’ve met so many real, nice, and true God-fearing guys in my lifetime and at one point or another these guys were all dating a real life bag of crazy. I’m talking about this girl falling out the crazy tree and hitting every single branch on her way down to the ground. I’m talking Leighton Meester in The Roommate crazy.

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Unfortunately, the poor bastards had no idea what it was that was happening, before it was too late of course. So, with my own crazy obsession with making lists I have compiled a few tell-tale signs that the chick you’re seeing is a wee bit off her rocker.

Now before I continue, don’t feel bad, it happens to everyone. You meet someone and for all tense and purposes this person is seriously awesome. I mean what an absolute babe was Uma Thurman in My Super Ex Girlfriend? Well… in the beginning at least.

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It doesn’t happen all at once so don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t see it coming.

Insane-ie-sign Number 1

This girl is an absolute freak in the sheets. She is down for pretty much everything, even that one thing that makes you really nervous but you do it anyway because you don’t want to come across as a whuss. Yea she loves that. Anytime. Anywhere. Any way. You say the word and it is go time. Which is what any red blooded male would love, isn’t it? However, you do find it strange and a little bit scary that she keeps asking you to do it in the cemetery. At night. On her dad’s grave.

Insane-ie-sign Number 2

Her mood fluctuates more then a normal woman. So while people in “other” #normal relationships only deal with these kinds of mood swings once a month you deal with them once, twice sometimes three times a day.

She loves you. She hates you. She wants you. She can’t stand you. You’re her world and then suddenly you’re a disgusting little worm she wants to smoosh under her 6 inch boot.

It’s all very confusing and you don’t know where you two stand most of the time.

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Insane-ie-sign Number 3

Her eyes.

They are always just… a little… too… big.

Whenever she is upset or angry her eyes kind of, bulge, out of her head like… almost like she’s a hamster being squeezed too hard by a kid with strong chubby little hands.

Insane-ie-sign Number 4

Say your girl is a blonde. You see a girl on the TV with red hair and you innocently comment that you think that looks very attractive. She laughs a little, you laugh a little, and you go about the rest of your date completely normal.

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But a week later, you see her again only her hair now too is a bright red. Big red flag. If a girl is willing to make drastic changes like that over a single comment you should definitely be worried, my friend.

Insane-ie-sign Number 5

Any and all other women – including your mother, sister, aunt, cousin, niece and grandmother – are jealous, conniving hell-whores who need to be eliminated from your life. She hates all women and will definitely cut them if she gets the opportunity.

Insane-ie-sign Number 6

She gets really upset when some one talks to you about her. Everyone in the whole world who speaks ill of her are fucking liars and you shouldn’t believe them because they are just jealous of what you have and want to ruin your perfect garden of happiness with their poison seeds of lies and deceit and they all just need to shut their dirty mouths because I am not mad!

Okay, I am not inane! They are insane!

I know you are, but what am I?!

I even heard that they like Hitler! Yea. Yea. Yea. So, you shouldn’t believe dirty Nazi whores above me okay. Okay. Okay!!

Okay!

Insane-ie-sign Number 7

Any woman who she believes is more attractive than her are satanic, pro-abortion and infected with syphilis. She knows this for a fact because she knows everything about every one and you should just take her word for it. So don’t you even dare look at them Mister!

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Insane-ie-sign Number 8

This sign sort of goes hand in hand with sign number 6, this is because everyone is either out to get her or extremely jealous of her or absolutely friggin’ adores her. In her mind she is Kim K and if you or ANYONE says ANYTHING differently then you are just a sick, jealous hater who needs to get a life and stay out of my business or I will CUT YOU!!!

Insane-ie-sign Number 9

This person is either a) obsessed with everything being super clean and super tidy or there will be hell to pay or b) really super messy, so messy she lost her dog a few weeks ago in her laundry and she still hasn’t found it.

Insane-ie-sign Number 10

She loves surprising you.

With your favourite food. Tickets to see your favourite band. A photo album of your future children you’ll be having together. Making a spare key to your apartment want watching you sleep at night. Putting photos of herself everywhere with big eyes that just keep on watching you. Bugging your apartment to make sure you’re okay. Flying across the country to meet your mom without telling you. Buying herself a ring and telling everyone that you are her “husband”.

Insane-ie-sign Number 11

She is the queen of self help books and you can never, ever EVER win an argument with her because she read in this book written by this personal that this kind of behaviour just a cry for help and she will always be there to help you cope with your emotional needs and will never EVER leave you.

Insane-ie-sign Number 12

You know how girls like to pretend to hit you and you pretend that it hurts?

She doesn’t pretend. And it hurts. A lot.

Except she’s being all cute about it so you don’t know if she really means it or if she just doesn’t know her own strength.

Which is really, scarily strong.

Insane-ie-sign Number 13

She calls and texts you non stop. And may God have mercy on your soul if you do not contact her back within the first 5 mili-seconds. She doesn’t understand that sometimes people are busy, or pooping or sleeping. She gets very upset  and does not care if you are with friends, or at the movies or even are a funeral you better answer your phone you little bitch.

Insane-ie-sign Number 14

She completely and utterly takes over your social media, it’s basically like a dog pissing all over its territory so that no other dogs will come near it. a lot of super romantic pictures and quotes. It’s called cyber claiming.

Insane-ie-sign Number 15

Whenever you do confront her about her madness one of two things happens

1) she uses sex to distract you, it’s a very common tactic used by women to ensure a man doesn’t use his common sense to see what a basket case she really is or 2) she manipulates you.

Now this one depends on who you are as a person, she can either start sobbing hysterically because she knows you can’t stand to see a woman cry, she can get very loud and angry because she knows your spineless when it comes to women or she can take a risk by threatening to leave you because she knows you have a fear of rejection.

Don’t ever underestimate a woman, especially if she’s crazy. That is the most calculated kind of crazy  there is.

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So yea,  some women are seriously screwy and hopefully this opened up someone’s eye to the fact that they are either dating a slightly mad woman or actually am one. Who knows!

Just in case I never post again, you should know I’m probably dead. Or dying in someone’s freezer. Tell my mom I love her!!

Stay weird people!

Types of: Annoying Couples

Going off my Types of Single people I thought it be only fair to not forsake my joint at the hip friends taking part in the socially expectable forsaking of ones individual identify for a joint identity.

Okay so I may be over exaggerating but know there are many people who can agree that some couples are honestly just the worst…. for single people.

Let’s get to it!

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  Annoying type couple number one!

The conjoined twins!

 This is very self explanatory. They are always together. Always. Together. If these people could take a pee in a public place together they’d sure as hell be holding hands on the john.

This couple has completely forgot the meaning of personal pace and every single person out there hates them for it.

 Annoying type couple number two!

The long distance lovers!

 This couple makes us very sad. They make us very happy. But a week after them reuniting they make us very nauseous. And we tend to feel like a really poopy person for getting irritated with them because they hardly ever see each other but their love is so strong it lasts and lasts and we feel really horrible about ourselves because no one is ever going to love us like that….

Whoo.. Sorry got a little carried away there.

So yes, they hardly ever see each other but someway that we cannot possibly phantom they make it work and we love/hate/resent/rejoice them for it.

 Annoying type couple number three!

The obnoxious couple!

 I personally hate this kind of couple. Individually they are awesome but together they try so very hard to prove that they are couple of the year, it’s disgusting.

They are always reminding you how much of an awesome couple they are, they always remind you that he/she is in an awesome coupled relationship and worst of all this person(s) is always trying to set you up with random friends because “you haven’t been happy unless you’ve been a couple so we need to save you from your complete and total unhappiness so you can be as happy as we are.”

You make me sick couple. Forshame!

 

 Annoying type couple number four!

The I can’t believe they haven’t killed each other yet couple!

 In my person opinion if you are part of this kind of couple then you should maybe reevaluate your goals in life. Being part of this kind of couple is self-destructing, manipulating, hurtful and just plain sucky.

This is a couple made out of two people who are so wrong for each other but so hard headed that they just don’t give a damn. They are always fighting, screaming, making it super uncomfortable for other people. They never allow the other their freedom but it works both ways. They are super possessive and sometimes borderline abusive. Being in a couple like this is very risky because even though you love the person very, very much they are hurting each other more then loving them

Annoying type couple number five!

The So cute I can barf couple!

Yea…

I really hate this couple.

They make it abundantly clear how freaking cute they are and it makes me sick. Sure I am super happy for them, and it makes my heart go all warm and tingly when they get warm and fuzzy but for heavens sake there must be something wrong with them, anything!

It is physically impossible to be that good together and I refuse to believe otherwise!

Annoying type couple number six!

The I’m surprised they aren’t pregnant yet.

These people get it on. A lot. A loooooooot. Every single chance they get to get busy they’d gladly take and it’s disgusting! Just stop it okay!

If I have to walk around one more corner and have a mini heart attack I am going to lose my shit. Seriously! Have you never heard of the term “get a freaking room?” one preferably with a key and that is completely sound proof?

Gah!

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Types of annoying couple number seven!

The Facebook Fake Couple!

This kind of couple is equally as annoying as it is sad because they basically only live for their Facebook status.

Meaning on Facebook they are the most perfect most wonderfully amazing couple in the history of the world but as soon as you get with them in person it’s either a) they’re like brother and sister and they completely gross you out or b) they HATE eachother.

Talking behind their backs, pulling faces making fun and flirting with other people leaving you confused and a little scared.

This is not an ideal couple to be apart of.

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So there you have it. All the super annoying yet super endearing types of couples. But seriously some of my best-best friends are in couples and I love that they are so happy with their partners. So don’t take this one too seriously.

Alright, stay weird people.