Dem feels Doe

So, for the select few people who actually takes the time to read my blog, I first need to add a little disclaimer. This is not going to be some funny blog about random nonsense.

You see, as it turns out, I actually am a human being. Shocking I know, and sometimes – because I have a beating heart – certain things tend to bother me. Because, writing is my safe haven and the only place where I can fully get in touch with what I am feeling I am going to, from time to time, get a little deep.

Now, don’t be scared, I know we all have issues when it comes to them feels but just hear me out.

So last night I watched the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise (season 2). And don’t you roll your eyes at me, we are ALL allotted our guilty pleasures and this is mine, okay?

Anyway, two of the front runner couples were Tanner and Jade, and Kirk and Carly. I knew that Tanner and Jade were meant to be, because come on they’re just perfect! but Kirk and Carly turned out to be a whole other story.

Kirk and Carly became a couple from the first week, they were always together, always laughing and seemed to be falling in love at a steady pace. Kirk did have some reservations about how fast they were going but he quickly came over them when he realized she is an amazing person and that they were just perfect for one another. So problem solved, right?


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A week before the final rose Kirk suddenly changed his mind. Suddenly, after having conversations about life after paradise, about moving in together and even marriage, he couldn’t see their relationship going anywhere outside of paradise. Which in all fairness is fine, if your feelings change then there’s nothing to be done about it – it happens to the best of us – but then you don’t lead her on. You don’t continue as if nothing is wrong and then just BOOM! I don’t wanna be with you anymore.

That is just in layman’s terms being a horrible human being. You do not play with someone’s emotions like that and then get offended when they criticize your character. You are, by default, than an asshole scumbag douche-sickle which kind of makes me want to shove your balls through a meat grinder.

As he began his break up speech I saw her face and you could see she had no idea. But when she finally understood what it was that he was doing, you could see her whole world shattering.


Yea yea yea, I do know some people believe that it’s all acting but dagnabbit then it was some good fucking acting, OKAY! So shut it.

Anyway, when I saw her face, I was just hit with like this huge fist of let say a good I don’t know, 7 years worth of my own heart break and tears and disappointments.

And let me tell you, it was not pretty. I cried right along with Carly, I knew that hurt and disappointment as if it was my own and I felt for her. Because we’ve all been there, men and women alike. At some point we’ve all been hurt.

Being lead to believe that… you’re special for this person, that… they want you… it’s the most amazing feeling ever, because when we open ourselves and our hearts to the possibility of love we do it fully and wholly.

There is no in between for us.


Unless, of course, you’re not looking for love but that’s beside the point.

So, if we do end up trusting you and opening up to you and you end up “changing your mind” without ever warning us, it hurts like a SOB.

We are not crying because we want attention. We are not crying because “we are women” we are crying because we have just been told – after we gave our whole and complete self to someone – that that was not good enough.

I’d like for people to watch that scene in The Bachelor in Paradise S02E12 where Kirk broke up with Carly. Not the best footage but you’ll get the point

And then maybe think about the girl or guy you are knowingly leading on.

Is that the kind of person you want to be?

So I realize that this got a little heavy and if you did make it to the finish then I really hope that this post in some way helped you, if it’s by helping you understand that you are hurting someone or help you understand that pain is pain and we all go through it. It will get better.

I have been hurt many, many times in my life, not just by love interests but by family and friends and somehow it managed to turn out okay. The little family I have left is so amazing and I am so thankful for them, the guy that I have been seeing has been so good to me and has even made me feel a little hopeful about love again (which is seriously amazing) and the one true love of my life my doggie Flynn as given me the most amazing sence of love that I will never be able to explain.

So even though we go through pain and disappointment and hurt it can turn out to be a good thing because in the end it brings you to something so much better.

Thanks for letting me vent some of my feels onto your internet selves.

Stay weird people.