So, because I am a child at heart I love watching Disney movies when I’m sad, or scared or bored, or just generally I watch them all.the.time . Like, I’d marathon that ish until I am good and stupid and feeling a little bit innocent again.
It helps a lot when adulting get’s too much.
Which is all the time, btw.
So that is what I did, and I’ll be honest it’s been a while since I actually took the time to sit/lay/hibernate down and enjoy these movies and let me just tell you, they are not at all what I remembered.
So my brain started thinking about what these movies really taught me and well: list.
What I learned from the Lion King.
The Lion King taught me that being a selfish ungrateful brat is okay. As long as you remember where you came from… one day… eventually… and even though you haven’t worked a single day in your whole entire life, it will all end happily as soon as one of your parents (whoever is more financially stable that is) dies in a horrific accident. Then you’ll just inherit a bunch of money and land and servents and boom! Set for life.
The Lion King also taught me that whenever I mess up, like big time, the best and most rational solution to that problem is just to run away and avoid the mess you made. Let someone else deal with that business, you know.
What I learned from Toy Story
Toy Story taught me to always accept and acknowledge my bad side, i.e. when I’m feeling super jealous of someone I just met, I shouldn’t try to work through it or get to know them in any way, shape or form. I should rather just let that jealousy spew my up in my hate fire which ultimately leadd me to plot this person’s demise.
Toy Story also taught me that if I really truly don’t like this person I should just throw their ass out the window and hope no one saw. If someone did see, I should pretend it was an accident and try to save the day. But deep down inside I hope they get kidnapped by a psychopath who wants to blow their faces off with fireworks.
It also taught me that my toys may be possessed by demons that brings them to life when I’m not around.
What I learned from Finding Nemo
Finding Nemo taught me that if one of my parents is a little over protective, because I don’t know – they witnessed the mass murder of my other parent and several hundred other siblings!!! I should just turn into a little brat and deliberately disobey and put myself into harms way, just to prove a point that I know better then him, even though I’m basically a toddler and don’t know diddly squat about the world BECAUSE my irritating overbearing, parent protected me from all the bad the world has to offer.
Finding Nemo also taught me that I shouldn’t be worried if strange monsters-like creatures kidnap and take me hundreds maybe even thousands of miles away from said overbearing parent who – by the way warned me against such dangers – because they won’t actually hurt me, kill me or even sell me into the child sex slave world. No-no, they’ll take me to a super nice place that is not life threatening what.so.ever and they’ll put me with sweet and loving people that will ultimately protect and help me to escape the nice place to go back to said over protective parent.
What I learned from The Jungle Book
The Jungle Book taught me that it is safe for a child to wander alone in wherever the hell it is that he was – “the jungle” and that as long as you have a cute name and hair-do you can befriend a wild ass fucking bear and you won’t have to be scared of it mauling you to death because it will just love you and have you float on its belly and sing you songs.
Other then that to be truthfully honest I don’t remember much more of that movie because I never really liked it all that much. You’ve got the boy. The bear. The Panther who’s just kinda there when they needed some muscle. The monkey’s and that pervy-ass tiger who got waaaaay too sexual about eating the boy, if ya know what I’m saying.
What I learned from 101 Dalmatians
101 Dalmatians taught me that when it comes to fashion some chicks are REALLY willing to go the distance.
101 Dalmatians also taught me that it is perfectly possible for a newly wed couple to support, feed, groom, care for and provide everything – physical and emotional – to one hundred and one freaking Dalmatians. That right there, is the reason I forced my poor single mother to buy me all the animals ever single frigging time I saw a pet store. No matter how many I already had, because if Anita and Roger can do it then I can too dammit!
What I learned from Fantasia
Fantasia taught me that the human mind is capable of many, many, MANY things when it is high AF.
What I learned from Lady and The Tramp
Lady and the Tramp taught me that if my parents piss me off I should just run away from home and start dating some homeless person who is way beneath my league and a little scary. That’ll give them the finger!
Lady and the Tramp also taught me that poor people who live on the street are actually super hot, super smart and live extremely exciting and not poverty filled lives at all.
It also taught me that it is perfectly safe for a rich naive girl with no street smarts to trust a street hustler and let him lead her down a dark ally and into junkyards.
What I learned from Oliver and Company
Oliver and Company taught me that life is super hard when you are an orphan and instead of working hard and trying to better yourself as a person ,you should just join a gang of criminals because that is all you will ever be good for, even though you are really smart and have so much potential it don’t mean Jack Squat. And besides, they are such good descent people who wouldn’t want to be like them?
Oliver and Company also taught me that when you do finally find a forever home after a life of crime you shouldn’t tell your new family anything at all, even after they’ve been threatened by the cool criminals you used to hang out with. Because being a rich kid is too big of a deal to squander on the possibility of losing everything and going back to the streets even though that means they could be in grave danger.
So there you have it, just a few life lessons I learned from watching Disney movies. I haven’t even touched the princesses and princes yet so there will definitely be a part 2 and 3 in the works!
Stay weird people!