What Disney Movies Taught Me

So, because I am a child at heart I love watching Disney movies when I’m sad, or scared or bored, or just generally I watch them all.the.time . Like, I’d marathon that ish until I am good and stupid and feeling a little bit innocent again.

It helps a lot when adulting get’s too much.

Which is all the time, btw.

So that is what I did, and I’ll be honest it’s been a while since I actually took the time to sit/lay/hibernate down and enjoy these movies and let me just tell you, they are not at all what I remembered.

So my brain started thinking about what these movies really taught me and well: list.

What I learned from the Lion King.

The Lion King taught me thdownloadat being a selfish ungrateful brat is okay. As long as you remember where you came from… one day… eventually… and even though you haven’t worked a single day in your whole entire life, it will all end happily as soon as one of your parents (whoever is more financially stable that is) dies in a horrific accident. Then you’ll just inherit a bunch of money and land and servents and boom! Set for life.

The Lion King also taught me that whenever I mess up, like big time, the best and most rational solution to that problem is just to run away and avoid the mess you made. Let someone else deal with that business, you know.

What I learned from Toy Story

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Toy Story taught me to always accept and acknowledge my bad side, i.e. when I’m feeling super jealous of someone I just met, I shouldn’t try to work through it or get to know them in any way, shape or form. I should rather just let that jealousy spew my up in my hate fire which ultimately leadd me to plot this person’s demise.

Toy Story also taught me that if I really truly don’t like this person I should just throw their ass out the window and hope no one saw. If someone did see, I should pretend it was an accident and try to save the day. But deep down inside I hope they get kidnapped by a psychopath who wants to blow their faces off with fireworks.

It also taught me that my toys may be possessed by demons that brings them to life when I’m not around.

What I learned from Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo taught me that if one of my parents is a little over protective, because I don’t know – they witnessed the mass murder of my other parent and several hundred other siblings!!! I should just turn into a little brat and deliberately disobey and put myself into harms way, just to prove a point that I know better then him, download (2)even though I’m basically a toddler and don’t know diddly squat about the world BECAUSE my irritating overbearing, parent protected me from all the bad the world has to offer.

Finding Nemo also taught me that I shouldn’t be  worried if strange monsters-like creatures kidnap and take me hundreds maybe even thousands of miles away from said overbearing parent who – by the way warned me against such dangers – because they won’t actually hurt me, kill me or even sell me into the child sex slave world. No-no, they’ll take me to a super nice place that is not life threatening what.so.ever and they’ll put me with sweet and loving people that will ultimately protect and help me to escape the nice place to go back to said over protective parent.

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What I learned from The Jungle Book

The Jungle Book taught me that it is safe for a child to wander alone in wherever the hell it is that he was – “the jungle” and that as long as you have a cute name and hair-do you can befriend a wild ass fucking bear and you won’t have to be scared of it mauling you to death because it will just love you and have you float on its belly and sing you songs.

Other then that to be truthfully honest I don’t remember much more of that movie because I never really liked it all that much. You’ve got the boy. The bear. The Panther who’s just kinda there when they needed some muscle. The monkey’s and that pervy-ass tiger who got waaaaay too sexual about eating the boy, if ya know what I’m saying.

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What I learned from 101 Dalmatians

 

101 Dalmatians taught me that when it comes to fashion some chicks are REALLY willing to go the distance.

101 Dalmatians also taught me that it is perfectly possible for a newly wed couple to support, feed, groom, care for and provide everything – physical and emotional – to one hundred and one freaking Dalmatians. That right there, is the reason I forced my poor single mother to buy me all the animals ever single frigging time I saw a pet store. No matter how many I already had, because if Anita and Roger can do it then I can too dammit!

What I learned from Fantasia

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Fantasia taught me that the human mind is capable of many, many, MANY things when it is high AF.

What I learned from Lady and The Tramp

Lady and the Tramp taught me that if my parents piss me off I should just run away from home and start dating some homeless person who is way beneath my league and a little scary. That’ll give them the finger!

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Lady and the Tramp also taught me that poor people who live on the street are actually super hot, super smart and live extremely exciting and not poverty filled lives at all.

It also taught me that it is perfectly safe for a rich naive girl with no street smarts to trust a street hustler and let him lead her down a dark ally and into junkyards.

What I learned from Oliver and Company

Oliver and Company taught me that life is super hard when you are an orphan and instead of working hard and trying to better yourself as a person ,you should just join a gang of criminals because that is all you will ever be good for, even though you are really smart and have so much potential it don’t mean Jack Squat. And besides, they are such good descent people who wouldn’t want to be like them?

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Oliver and Company also taught me that when you do finally find a forever home after a life of crime you shouldn’t tell your new family anything at all, even after they’ve been threatened by the cool  criminals you used to hang out with. Because being a rich kid is too big of a deal to squander on the possibility of losing everything and going back to the streets even though that means they could be in grave danger.

So there you have it, just a few life lessons I learned from watching Disney movies. I haven’t even touched the princesses and princes yet so there will definitely be a part 2 and 3 in the works!

Stay weird people!

Everyone always dreams of becoming a super hero, right?

You know, one day you wake up with some ridiculously awesome superpowers. Sometimes, there’s an accident that occurs for these powers to be brought out of you and other times people are born with them only to discover them later in life.

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Well, as I’ve (against my will) grown into an adult I’ve realized that damn… I must be one of those people born with powers and just didn’t know it because everybody else sure as hell does.

So, of course I’ve made a list of the powers people seem to believe that I have that I had no idea I had in the first place!

Unknown Super Power Number 1:

The ability to see through walls. It seems as though people always just expects me to know where they are at all times even if I am not in the same room with them. They believe this so much so that if I cannot automatically detect where they are they get angry at me. Like “How dare you now know where I am even if I didn’t think to tell you, you’re supposed to know!”

Let me just clarify that my eyesight might be super amazing, but it is not THAT amazing so if you expect me to know where you are then use your words, kay buddy?

Unknown Super Power Number 2:

It seems I have the ability to make people talk. All the time. It’s like I’m the human form of some kind of talking sensitizer and once people lock on me it’s just blah blah blah blah.

Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to people,  It’s amazing the types of conversations I sometimes have with people but for the love of all that is good and pure in this world why…. why… why… why… would you randomly feel the need to tell me about your horrible period this month? Or the fact that you haven’t had a solid poop in 5 days.

I don’t need to know this information so PLEASE STOP.

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Unknown Super Power Number 3:

Now, I’m not sure if this one counts as a super power more than I believe this was me in a previous life and it is following me to this new life.

Because, heaven forbid, the moment I say anything. ANYTHING. People automatically believe they are in a debate team and I am their fabulous podium and it is time to speech it up. For example:

Me: “This cheese is really good.”

Them: “You know, the thing about cheese is in 1546 the prime chief of the clan of …… (continues for six straight hours)”

Me: (Breathes deeply)

This happens every. single. time.

Unknown Super Power Number 4:

My life is the Fantastic Four and I am the thing. You see apparently people think that I am made out of stone because, hurting my feelings, disappointing me or making me feel bad is not a big deal at all. You see I am the type of person that just takes it, no matter how much it hurts, I take it and I deal with it until I’m alone and then I go cry in the shower until I get over it.

And because I am not the type to say anything about the situation people have automatically decided: “Meh, we don’t have to give a shit about her, she’s cool, she’ll understand. We can just give a halfhearted apology or something and then it’ll be fine. Whatever.”

I can tell you know that that is not true. If you cut me I bleed like everybody else, okay! Okay.

Unknown Super Power Number: 5

Now, I’m not sure if this is just my face or if people actually have this assumption about me but apparently I am Miss Explain Yourself Girl!!

Because explaining something once is never enough, you have to go and explain it to me 63585 23549 232358 66996 2 times like an idiot for you to happily believe that I will understand what you are saying.

Really?

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So, here are a few examples of super powers I do know I have

Known Super Power Number 1:

So this one I actually do know that I posses and it is The Super Fabulous Incredibly Talented Procrastinator Girl!!

‘Cause let me tell you, I can procrastinate like a boss. I hate being productive, I have so much work that I’d rather just find so many other things to do instead of work. I guess many people who are lazy can relate with me on this one, ey?

Known Super Power Number 2:

Have you ever heard of the saying “No shit, Captain Obvious?”

Yea, I’m kind of the living embodiment of that saying because I have this stupid ability to always, ALWAYS, state out the obvious in any given situation. Especially if I am feeling awkward or need to lie to be polite.

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For example. see a woman with a baby:

Person: “So, here is my new born baby! Isn’t she beautiful!!”

Me: “Wow, that there, is a child in your arms. A human child, a female human child, that you grew in your belly. For nine months. Growing and changing. Wow. Biology.”

What can I say, personally kids remind me of big hairless spitting and pooping monsters which should be avoided up until the time they are able to detect and appreciate awesomeness, then we can be friends.

Or perhaps the weather. (Storms outside.) “Wow, it sure is raining.”

They know, Claudia, they know.

Known Super Power Number 3:

Another one of my super power names are Super Anxiety Girl!

Because I get freaked out and anxious over pretty much everything!

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Perfection, is what I strive for.

Not perfection, is what I get.

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SOOOOO there you have it! Thanks so much for reading the weirdness of the inner workings of my bored mind!

On a side note, I have started my very own YouTube Channel where I go a little bit deeper into the blogs that I write. I am having so much fun doing it and it is such an amazing experience for myself and I really hope that you will take a moment to go watch the couple of videos that I have already put on.

Please be sure to subscribe because I will be making regular videos and just think about it, once you watch the videos you can actually hear me talk and over exaggerate whilst reading my blog in the future!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v+ofTumCvwmkl  For Have You Been Friendzoned

and

http://youtu.be/7Pn9htx6ZbU  for Types of Single People

Alright,

Stay weird people.

Things That Freak Me out

Most humans of the modern world are raised the same. In this I mean certain social rules of conduct are applied from parent to child, parent to child and so on and so forth. It’s how we’ve lived all these many, many years.

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But as I grow older and the world grows bolder I am starting to see some of those “passed down rules” being ignored and some even blatantly challenged.

Don’t get me wrong I do get the appeal of being a free thinker and making my own way as I go along but some of these things are just… weird.

Just a disclaimer this is my personal opinion and should in no way be taken seriously as I do like to make fun of everything so… chill.

Movies

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I find it surprising how many, many, MANY movie companies out there are making devilish movies. The Devil’s this and Lucifer’s that, demons this and exorcism of whomever. And the worst of all is that they are not even good movies. The screen writers basically sat there with a book titled “1001 Horror Movie Clichés” and used them all. Every. Single. One.

Walk around a corner and jump scare. Open a door, jump scare. Oh those walls are dripping “Die bitch die” in blood? Wow. Let me guess… they’re going to have sex and then one of them is going to be possessed by a demon and kill the other? Yep, thought so. Ahhh, you though summoning the devil himself is just a silly game, well jokes on you whore.

Seriously, are there no more original scary ideas? It’s either super bad CGI or furniture moves by themselves. And this freaks me out because it is so boring. The whole reason for the horror movie genre is so that people can pee themselves and not sleep for the next three weeks, not me narrating in my head like the guy from Cinema Sins on Youtube.

And don’t even get me started on product placement yet again thanks to Cinema Sins every time I see a coke or Pepsi can I hear the dude say “Well I guess we know who sponsored this scene”.  Damn you!

The Female Gender

Even though I am a girl myself I honestly don’t get our gender at all. Like seriously. At all.

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You want equal rights as a man? You want the same jobs, the same pay and the same respect as a man? Sure you go girl.

But why are you getting angry when he doesn’t pay the whole bill? Or why are you whining about finding your knight in shining armor when just last week you went to a protest stating you don’t need a man to do shit because men and women are equal?

Ohhh… I see, you want to be a feminist in all other aspects of your life except when you’re horny. Smells like some double standards me thinks.

And body image. Good Shakespeare I do not understand body images. How is it possible that just yesterday you were complaining how fat you’re where but today you are the next friggin top model? Hormones are sick sons of bitches that Mother Nature plays on us and I am getting sick of it.  AM I happy? Am I sad? Do I want chocolate or just to jump your bones? Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?!

Or the fact that a girl can spend an hour doing a full face of make up but then not do her eyebrows. I’m sorry did you want to look like you have none? Because shaving them off would look a lot better then the faint white babies hairs you got going on ‘cause you decided to rub foundation all over them too.

No! Just no.

Identical Twins

First off, they look EXACTLY the same. That’s already bad, but then you go and dress exactly the same as well? Tell me something, just how exactly, am I supposed to differentiate you as an individual is you insist on dressing exactly the same and pretending to be the other person just to freak me out?

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Secondly, are you really twins – do twins even really exists – or did the government decide to release a deadly toxin in the air that makes people go all loopy but they don’t know it because it happens really slowly over a span of your lifetime but one of the side effects are like really vivid double vision? Huh? How should I know I’m just an innocent by stander in all of this?

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It just baffles me that there are two where there should just be one. Baffles me I say!

Ellie Goulding

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Yea…that wasn’t a mistake.

Ellie Goulding the person doesn’t freak me out as much as the feelings she stirs inside me every time I see her stunning face or hear her silky voice and that… makes me… really confused which in turns freaks me out.

She is just… physically perfect… in every way, shape or form that is humanly possible and it just… confuses me.

Her hair is so… blonde.

People who don’t instantly go insane and kill spiders.

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I’m sorry but if you want to be in my life, be my friend, boyfriend, blood relation, whatever and you do not instantly go Jackie Chan on a spider’s ass I have to question our relationship.

I do not care if it is the size of a coin or my face, it must die.

Especially if it’s the size of my face.

We can just burn the house it’s fine.

I remember watching the movie “Seeking a Friend for the End of The World” and Steve Carells character wanted to kill a spider that was in his bathroom but decided he won’t because the world was going to die like anytime soon. And then the next day that idiot woke up with a spider bite on his face the size of mount doom!!

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What kind of foolishness???

So there you have it, just a few pieces of knowledge on why I might end up in a mental institution and become famous for it. Because that is apparently how stuff happens in the gilts and glam world it would seem.

Stay weird people!