What Disney Movies Taught Me

So, because I am a child at heart I love watching Disney movies when I’m sad, or scared or bored, or just generally I watch them all.the.time . Like, I’d marathon that ish until I am good and stupid and feeling a little bit innocent again.

It helps a lot when adulting get’s too much.

Which is all the time, btw.

So that is what I did, and I’ll be honest it’s been a while since I actually took the time to sit/lay/hibernate down and enjoy these movies and let me just tell you, they are not at all what I remembered.

So my brain started thinking about what these movies really taught me and well: list.

What I learned from the Lion King.

The Lion King taught me thdownloadat being a selfish ungrateful brat is okay. As long as you remember where you came from… one day… eventually… and even though you haven’t worked a single day in your whole entire life, it will all end happily as soon as one of your parents (whoever is more financially stable that is) dies in a horrific accident. Then you’ll just inherit a bunch of money and land and servents and boom! Set for life.

The Lion King also taught me that whenever I mess up, like big time, the best and most rational solution to that problem is just to run away and avoid the mess you made. Let someone else deal with that business, you know.

What I learned from Toy Story

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Toy Story taught me to always accept and acknowledge my bad side, i.e. when I’m feeling super jealous of someone I just met, I shouldn’t try to work through it or get to know them in any way, shape or form. I should rather just let that jealousy spew my up in my hate fire which ultimately leadd me to plot this person’s demise.

Toy Story also taught me that if I really truly don’t like this person I should just throw their ass out the window and hope no one saw. If someone did see, I should pretend it was an accident and try to save the day. But deep down inside I hope they get kidnapped by a psychopath who wants to blow their faces off with fireworks.

It also taught me that my toys may be possessed by demons that brings them to life when I’m not around.

What I learned from Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo taught me that if one of my parents is a little over protective, because I don’t know – they witnessed the mass murder of my other parent and several hundred other siblings!!! I should just turn into a little brat and deliberately disobey and put myself into harms way, just to prove a point that I know better then him, download (2)even though I’m basically a toddler and don’t know diddly squat about the world BECAUSE my irritating overbearing, parent protected me from all the bad the world has to offer.

Finding Nemo also taught me that I shouldn’t be  worried if strange monsters-like creatures kidnap and take me hundreds maybe even thousands of miles away from said overbearing parent who – by the way warned me against such dangers – because they won’t actually hurt me, kill me or even sell me into the child sex slave world. No-no, they’ll take me to a super nice place that is not life threatening what.so.ever and they’ll put me with sweet and loving people that will ultimately protect and help me to escape the nice place to go back to said over protective parent.

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What I learned from The Jungle Book

The Jungle Book taught me that it is safe for a child to wander alone in wherever the hell it is that he was – “the jungle” and that as long as you have a cute name and hair-do you can befriend a wild ass fucking bear and you won’t have to be scared of it mauling you to death because it will just love you and have you float on its belly and sing you songs.

Other then that to be truthfully honest I don’t remember much more of that movie because I never really liked it all that much. You’ve got the boy. The bear. The Panther who’s just kinda there when they needed some muscle. The monkey’s and that pervy-ass tiger who got waaaaay too sexual about eating the boy, if ya know what I’m saying.

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What I learned from 101 Dalmatians

 

101 Dalmatians taught me that when it comes to fashion some chicks are REALLY willing to go the distance.

101 Dalmatians also taught me that it is perfectly possible for a newly wed couple to support, feed, groom, care for and provide everything – physical and emotional – to one hundred and one freaking Dalmatians. That right there, is the reason I forced my poor single mother to buy me all the animals ever single frigging time I saw a pet store. No matter how many I already had, because if Anita and Roger can do it then I can too dammit!

What I learned from Fantasia

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Fantasia taught me that the human mind is capable of many, many, MANY things when it is high AF.

What I learned from Lady and The Tramp

Lady and the Tramp taught me that if my parents piss me off I should just run away from home and start dating some homeless person who is way beneath my league and a little scary. That’ll give them the finger!

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Lady and the Tramp also taught me that poor people who live on the street are actually super hot, super smart and live extremely exciting and not poverty filled lives at all.

It also taught me that it is perfectly safe for a rich naive girl with no street smarts to trust a street hustler and let him lead her down a dark ally and into junkyards.

What I learned from Oliver and Company

Oliver and Company taught me that life is super hard when you are an orphan and instead of working hard and trying to better yourself as a person ,you should just join a gang of criminals because that is all you will ever be good for, even though you are really smart and have so much potential it don’t mean Jack Squat. And besides, they are such good descent people who wouldn’t want to be like them?

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Oliver and Company also taught me that when you do finally find a forever home after a life of crime you shouldn’t tell your new family anything at all, even after they’ve been threatened by the cool  criminals you used to hang out with. Because being a rich kid is too big of a deal to squander on the possibility of losing everything and going back to the streets even though that means they could be in grave danger.

So there you have it, just a few life lessons I learned from watching Disney movies. I haven’t even touched the princesses and princes yet so there will definitely be a part 2 and 3 in the works!

Stay weird people!

Everyone always dreams of becoming a super hero, right?

You know, one day you wake up with some ridiculously awesome superpowers. Sometimes, there’s an accident that occurs for these powers to be brought out of you and other times people are born with them only to discover them later in life.

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Well, as I’ve (against my will) grown into an adult I’ve realized that damn… I must be one of those people born with powers and just didn’t know it because everybody else sure as hell does.

So, of course I’ve made a list of the powers people seem to believe that I have that I had no idea I had in the first place!

Unknown Super Power Number 1:

The ability to see through walls. It seems as though people always just expects me to know where they are at all times even if I am not in the same room with them. They believe this so much so that if I cannot automatically detect where they are they get angry at me. Like “How dare you now know where I am even if I didn’t think to tell you, you’re supposed to know!”

Let me just clarify that my eyesight might be super amazing, but it is not THAT amazing so if you expect me to know where you are then use your words, kay buddy?

Unknown Super Power Number 2:

It seems I have the ability to make people talk. All the time. It’s like I’m the human form of some kind of talking sensitizer and once people lock on me it’s just blah blah blah blah.

Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to people,  It’s amazing the types of conversations I sometimes have with people but for the love of all that is good and pure in this world why…. why… why… why… would you randomly feel the need to tell me about your horrible period this month? Or the fact that you haven’t had a solid poop in 5 days.

I don’t need to know this information so PLEASE STOP.

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Unknown Super Power Number 3:

Now, I’m not sure if this one counts as a super power more than I believe this was me in a previous life and it is following me to this new life.

Because, heaven forbid, the moment I say anything. ANYTHING. People automatically believe they are in a debate team and I am their fabulous podium and it is time to speech it up. For example:

Me: “This cheese is really good.”

Them: “You know, the thing about cheese is in 1546 the prime chief of the clan of …… (continues for six straight hours)”

Me: (Breathes deeply)

This happens every. single. time.

Unknown Super Power Number 4:

My life is the Fantastic Four and I am the thing. You see apparently people think that I am made out of stone because, hurting my feelings, disappointing me or making me feel bad is not a big deal at all. You see I am the type of person that just takes it, no matter how much it hurts, I take it and I deal with it until I’m alone and then I go cry in the shower until I get over it.

And because I am not the type to say anything about the situation people have automatically decided: “Meh, we don’t have to give a shit about her, she’s cool, she’ll understand. We can just give a halfhearted apology or something and then it’ll be fine. Whatever.”

I can tell you know that that is not true. If you cut me I bleed like everybody else, okay! Okay.

Unknown Super Power Number: 5

Now, I’m not sure if this is just my face or if people actually have this assumption about me but apparently I am Miss Explain Yourself Girl!!

Because explaining something once is never enough, you have to go and explain it to me 63585 23549 232358 66996 2 times like an idiot for you to happily believe that I will understand what you are saying.

Really?

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So, here are a few examples of super powers I do know I have

Known Super Power Number 1:

So this one I actually do know that I posses and it is The Super Fabulous Incredibly Talented Procrastinator Girl!!

‘Cause let me tell you, I can procrastinate like a boss. I hate being productive, I have so much work that I’d rather just find so many other things to do instead of work. I guess many people who are lazy can relate with me on this one, ey?

Known Super Power Number 2:

Have you ever heard of the saying “No shit, Captain Obvious?”

Yea, I’m kind of the living embodiment of that saying because I have this stupid ability to always, ALWAYS, state out the obvious in any given situation. Especially if I am feeling awkward or need to lie to be polite.

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For example. see a woman with a baby:

Person: “So, here is my new born baby! Isn’t she beautiful!!”

Me: “Wow, that there, is a child in your arms. A human child, a female human child, that you grew in your belly. For nine months. Growing and changing. Wow. Biology.”

What can I say, personally kids remind me of big hairless spitting and pooping monsters which should be avoided up until the time they are able to detect and appreciate awesomeness, then we can be friends.

Or perhaps the weather. (Storms outside.) “Wow, it sure is raining.”

They know, Claudia, they know.

Known Super Power Number 3:

Another one of my super power names are Super Anxiety Girl!

Because I get freaked out and anxious over pretty much everything!

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Perfection, is what I strive for.

Not perfection, is what I get.

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SOOOOO there you have it! Thanks so much for reading the weirdness of the inner workings of my bored mind!

On a side note, I have started my very own YouTube Channel where I go a little bit deeper into the blogs that I write. I am having so much fun doing it and it is such an amazing experience for myself and I really hope that you will take a moment to go watch the couple of videos that I have already put on.

Please be sure to subscribe because I will be making regular videos and just think about it, once you watch the videos you can actually hear me talk and over exaggerate whilst reading my blog in the future!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v+ofTumCvwmkl  For Have You Been Friendzoned

and

http://youtu.be/7Pn9htx6ZbU  for Types of Single People

Alright,

Stay weird people.

Types Of: Angry People

Anger is a very common emotion felt by everyone in their lives. Sometimes it happens maybe once or twice a month for other people it could be once of twice a day. It all depends on who you are as a person and how you handle strong emotions.

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But let’s face it, when someone is angry, it’s super funny. The way they struggle and stutter, I find it hilarious. So I’ve decided to compile a list of the different types of angry people I have come across in my life span and of course my wacky interpretation of them.

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Angry type person number one!

The Shortage

This type of person is just insanely funny to me. And I have on several occasions laughed in this persons face, upfront, when they tried to be angry with me – sometimes not so smart.

When this person gets angry it’d like their body has no idea how handle this emotion so a wire or sometime snaps loose inside their brains and they just start twitching uncontrollably. This is mostly a muscle in the face like they eyelid or the corner or their mouths, maybe their neck starts to twitch and by then I just lose my shit and start laughing like a mad person.

Laughing at them can go both ways, sometimes seeing me laugh makes them laugh and they calm down and forget why they were angry and sometimes it makes them even more angry which makes them twitch even more which makes me almost pee my pants.

It’s a vicious cycle this one.

Angry type person number two!

The Disappointed Teacher

 

This type of angry person is a real buzz kill. In my opinion if I am in a fight with someone I’d at least like to be able to joke about it in my mind, but this person makes it impossible because they shame you so bad you feel like a naughty child who has been told to go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

That is no fun.

If we are going to be fighting I’d prefer if we do it one of three ways, screaming, crying/laughing or bikini clad and drenched in oil (sorry, I’ve been told this blog is too girly and the boys needed something. Aaaaand you’re welcome.)

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Angry type person number three!

The Not so Incredible Hulk

This person is about as intimidating as my yorkie is big and scary. But just like my yorkie he or she believes they are this incredibly scary monster of mass human destruction that will obliterate me from existence with just…one…look.

No. Just no.

You are a little flat faced kitten dressed in a hello kitty outfit eating Nuttella from a spork, my friend.  And that way you shall remain!

Angry type person number four!

The Bipolar/Scitzo – Holy shit I might die right now

  This person is super intimidating. They might not look it, they might not sound like it but when they are mad at you, you suddenly fear for your life. They don’t scream – much, they tend to remain fairly even toned, at first. Then suddenly they break out and you nearly shit yourself because for the moment you thought they were handling it quite well but then suddenly they lose their freaking minds!

One moment they give you the God Father speech right before someone “sleeps with the fishes” and the next moment they tell you how much they love you and how your actions/behaviors disappoints them beyond words and they won’t stand for it.

Run. Run as fast as your legs and carry you!

 

Angry type person number Five!

The Hold me Back! Hold me Back! Will Someone Please Hold Me Back?!

 

 This person really wants to be intimidating when they’re angry, they do, they really, really do. But… they’re not. The fact that they try to be this kind of person is honestly just pathetic and so irritating because asking your friends to hold you back just seems cowardly.

Like, if you want to act all tough and imply that ass is going to be kicked then you better be prepared to kick some ass or you just seem and probably are a little bitch.

I mean come on! Grow a pair and rub some dirt on it or something.

Angry type person number Six!

The Ugly Cry Face

  Bless this person’s heart but they cannot deal with the emotion that is anger. This person (me) hates conflict and will do whatever it takes to avoid it. They’d be more then willing (me) to literally hide from it. But as life sometimes would have it, you just aren’t able to hide from some things and you have to face it which brings me to the ugly cry face you (me) make during the whole fight.

You aren’t necessarily crying to be exact but the different emotions just kind of like contort your face into this weird crying and/or screaming position which doesn’t go away and makes you look like you just took the most painful dump in the history of most painful dumps ever. Ever. (Me).

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 Angry type person number Seven!

The Sarcastic Commentator

This person deserves a visit from the (he Bipolar/Scitzo – Holy shit I might die right now) angry person because their behavior is just not acceptable.

Instead of being a regular person and either telling or yelling that they are made this person decides to keep that information for themselves and just undermine every single little thing that you do and bad mouth you to everyone on the face of the planet.

That, Sir or Madam, is not cool! Nobody likes this kind of person so do not be them. It just takes that much longer to resolve the situation and you are making it massively uncomfortable for everyone involved and all of the random people you are randomly involving so shut your face and come clean on why you are angry.

Nobody likes a sleazy two faced person so stop it!

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So there you have it, a couple of different types of angry people we all meet and most of us are! Hope this tickled a funny bone and made this Monday not so blue.

Stay weird people!

Types of: Annoying Couples

Going off my Types of Single people I thought it be only fair to not forsake my joint at the hip friends taking part in the socially expectable forsaking of ones individual identify for a joint identity.

Okay so I may be over exaggerating but know there are many people who can agree that some couples are honestly just the worst…. for single people.

Let’s get to it!

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  Annoying type couple number one!

The conjoined twins!

 This is very self explanatory. They are always together. Always. Together. If these people could take a pee in a public place together they’d sure as hell be holding hands on the john.

This couple has completely forgot the meaning of personal pace and every single person out there hates them for it.

 Annoying type couple number two!

The long distance lovers!

 This couple makes us very sad. They make us very happy. But a week after them reuniting they make us very nauseous. And we tend to feel like a really poopy person for getting irritated with them because they hardly ever see each other but their love is so strong it lasts and lasts and we feel really horrible about ourselves because no one is ever going to love us like that….

Whoo.. Sorry got a little carried away there.

So yes, they hardly ever see each other but someway that we cannot possibly phantom they make it work and we love/hate/resent/rejoice them for it.

 Annoying type couple number three!

The obnoxious couple!

 I personally hate this kind of couple. Individually they are awesome but together they try so very hard to prove that they are couple of the year, it’s disgusting.

They are always reminding you how much of an awesome couple they are, they always remind you that he/she is in an awesome coupled relationship and worst of all this person(s) is always trying to set you up with random friends because “you haven’t been happy unless you’ve been a couple so we need to save you from your complete and total unhappiness so you can be as happy as we are.”

You make me sick couple. Forshame!

 

 Annoying type couple number four!

The I can’t believe they haven’t killed each other yet couple!

 In my person opinion if you are part of this kind of couple then you should maybe reevaluate your goals in life. Being part of this kind of couple is self-destructing, manipulating, hurtful and just plain sucky.

This is a couple made out of two people who are so wrong for each other but so hard headed that they just don’t give a damn. They are always fighting, screaming, making it super uncomfortable for other people. They never allow the other their freedom but it works both ways. They are super possessive and sometimes borderline abusive. Being in a couple like this is very risky because even though you love the person very, very much they are hurting each other more then loving them

Annoying type couple number five!

The So cute I can barf couple!

Yea…

I really hate this couple.

They make it abundantly clear how freaking cute they are and it makes me sick. Sure I am super happy for them, and it makes my heart go all warm and tingly when they get warm and fuzzy but for heavens sake there must be something wrong with them, anything!

It is physically impossible to be that good together and I refuse to believe otherwise!

Annoying type couple number six!

The I’m surprised they aren’t pregnant yet.

These people get it on. A lot. A loooooooot. Every single chance they get to get busy they’d gladly take and it’s disgusting! Just stop it okay!

If I have to walk around one more corner and have a mini heart attack I am going to lose my shit. Seriously! Have you never heard of the term “get a freaking room?” one preferably with a key and that is completely sound proof?

Gah!

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Types of annoying couple number seven!

The Facebook Fake Couple!

This kind of couple is equally as annoying as it is sad because they basically only live for their Facebook status.

Meaning on Facebook they are the most perfect most wonderfully amazing couple in the history of the world but as soon as you get with them in person it’s either a) they’re like brother and sister and they completely gross you out or b) they HATE eachother.

Talking behind their backs, pulling faces making fun and flirting with other people leaving you confused and a little scared.

This is not an ideal couple to be apart of.

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So there you have it. All the super annoying yet super endearing types of couples. But seriously some of my best-best friends are in couples and I love that they are so happy with their partners. So don’t take this one too seriously.

Alright, stay weird people.